I’m thrilled to have Carol Kent as a guest today on the Monday Morning Blog and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. If you’re married, you’ve been spending a great deal of time together, more than usual, during the Coronavirus stay-at-home season. There’s probably stress about finances, kids out of school, fear about catching this virus, restrictions imposed on us by local government, maybe loss of a job or trying to work from home and we just want our lives back.
Carol and her husband Gene, along with Cindy and David Lambert, have a new book out that every couple will appreciate not only during these difficult times, but in the inevitable storms we will face together in our marriages.
Carol is offering a free copy of Staying Power so be sure to leave a comment to enter the drawing. Now grab a cup of coffee or tea and enjoy Carol’s words of wisdom.
5 Ways to Survive the Storms of Marriage by Carol Kent
I had been happily married to Gene for more than 25 years when a middle of the night phone call turned my world upside-down. The news was unthinkable. Our son, a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy, had been arrested for the murder of his wife’s first husband. Amid multiple accusations of abuse involving the biological father of Jason’s three-year-old and six-year-old stepdaughters, our son unraveled—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—and now he faced a trial for murder. Following seven postponements of the trial, he was convicted of the crime and sentenced to life without parole.
This caused unspeakable pain (for us and for the victim’s family), emotional tension, financial stress, frayed nerves, public humiliation, and often triggered pressures in our marriage we hadn’t faced before.
Our situation might seem more drastic than what your marriage is going through, but there are times for most of us when due to no fault of our own, outside challenges hit our lives and decisions need to be made. In your case it might be a struggle with infertility, or the addiction of your child, a financial crisis, an accident that changes everything about your future, caring for the needs of an aging parent, a child with a disability, parenting a grandchild, the incarceration of a loved one—and so much more.
How can our marriages become stronger when we face the storms of marriage—those things that come out of the blue, without warning, that threaten to destroy our relationships? Here are five action steps you can take.
1. Decide to be “in this together.” Gene and I, along with our co-authors, David and Cindy Lambert, have discovered through God’s faithfulness during our own trials, that as distressing as many of the challenges our marriages face are, they’re also a rich opportunity to grow together in strength and in wisdom. We have an opportunity to make our marriages stronger and more resilient than before the crisis hit.
John 16:33 says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
2. Make the next right choice. Author Clare DeGraaf helped me understand the importance of pre-decisions. I call them our “non-negotiables”—a series of pre-determined choices we made to each other. Some of those are:
- I will request, honor, and respect the advice of my spouse.
- I will serve my spouse sacrificially.
- I will control my tongue. That means no matter how difficult our situation is, Gene and I are committed to treating each other with kindness.
Clare DeGraaf writes about the 10-Second Rule: “Just do the next thing you’re reasonably certain Jesus wants you to do. (And commit to it immediately—in the next ten seconds—before you change your mind!).”
We discovered that when we regularly spent time with the Lord, Scripture passages we were reading helped to confirm important decisions. We didn’t require another two weeks of uncertainty. We discussed the options, shared what we believed God was nudging us to do, and then made the next important choice.
3. Practice automatic forgiveness. Because Gene and I live in a challenging situation that will probably not end in our lifetime, we’ve had to learn that forgiveness usually isn’t a one-time thing. We’re still human. Tempers flare.
We communicate poorly when we’re exhausted. We’re learning to instantly recognize that this negativity and unforgiveness can escalate. So we STOP and remind ourselves that . . .
- We want resolution.
- We need the support of each other, or our marriage won’t survive.
- Our love is deeper than this crisis. We’re committed to forgiving each other for negative behaviors and outbursts quickly and often.
Proverbs 17:9 NLT says: “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven.”
Our goal is to be unoffendable.
4. Say “yes” to guilt-free time-outs. As a Type-A first-born, I like to solve problems and move on to the next thing. But having an incarcerated son isn’t something that’s a task to be completed on a “to-do” list. I often found myself worn out—trying to keep all of the balls of speaking, writing, being a wife, and caring for my son’s needs in the air—and I hit a wall!
All couples who face long-term challenges need to develop a daily habit that takes them away from the immediate stress of their ongoing situation for a short while. When our family members are in pain, we often feel uncomfortable experiencing pleasure.
Make a plan to rediscover your joy.
5. Serve while suffering. Find someone who needs help worse than you do. Then do a tangible act of kindness for that person together. Serving others shifts our focus off our own challenges and onto someone else. It makes us Jesus-focused and our own challenges become less overwhelming.
Serving others produces blessing.
“Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” Luke 6:38 MSG
Never give up on defending your marriage and your family against the challenges life throws at you. You can build lasting staying power into your marriage with God’s help.
Drawing for a Free Copy of Staying Power
Which of the five suggested ways to make your marriage stronger in the middle of challenging circumstances is one you’d like to try? Leave a comment and a winner will be selected on Friday, May 8.
Adapted from Staying Power: Building a Stronger Marriage When Life Sends Its Worst, by Carol and Gene Kent and Cindy and David Lambert, Revell, 2020.
Get to Know Carol:
Carol Kent is a bestselling author and international speaker. She’s the executive director of the Speak Up Conference, a ministry committed to helping Christians develop their speaking and writing skills. She and her husband, Gene, have founded the nonprofit organization, Speak Up for Hope, which benefits inmates and their families. Carol has trained Christian speakers for over twenty-five years and she has been a featured speaker at Women of Faith, Extraordinary Women, and Women of Joy arena events. She is the author of over twenty-five books, including the bestselling When I Lay My Isaac Down and Becoming a Woman of Influence. Her two newest titles are a 365 page-per-day devotional titled, He Holds My Hand, and Staying Power, co-authored with her husband Gene, and Dave & Cindy Lambert. Connect with Carol on FB, Twitter, or Instagram.
