Home Archives for wanting to be a parent.

Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk by Lindsey Bell

2

Our guest blogger today is author and speaker Lindsey Bell. Lindsey and I are mentor moms for The M.O.M. Initiative and we met for the first time when we both spoke at the Better Together Conference in Jacksonville, Florida. Lindsey and I have a heart for women struggling with infertility. She shares about her miscarriages and secondary infertility, as our daughter Shannon also shares in my book Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? I know you will be blessed with Lindsey’s post today as she encourages us to be authentic in all circumstances.

Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk

By Lindsey Bell

3 Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk

It’s so easy to be fake, to put on a smiling face when someone asks how you’re doing and to answer back, “I’m doing good. How about you?”

It’s tempting to pretend you’ve got it all together…especially when everyone around you seems to have it all together too. You certainly don’t want to be “that girl” who always has issues.

I know because I’ve been that girl. I’ve been the one who seems to be struggling all the time. I’ve been the girl whose faith is ugly, who is dealing with doubts and questions I don’t want to admit aloud.

One thing I learned during those years, though, is that sometimes authenticity is God’s tool to heal your heart. It certainly was for me.

[Tweet “Sometimes authenticity is God’s tool to heal your heart”]

 My “Authentic” Story

About four years ago, my husband and I began battling secondary infertility.

In 2010, we lost our first child to miscarriage. Then followed miscarriage #2, #3, and #4.

I know for some, especially if you’ve never had a miscarriage or didn’t really struggle with yours, miscarriages might not seem like that big of a deal. But to me, each loss stabbed my heart just a little bit deeper.

Each loss also led me to question God’s love for me. I knew he was capable of fixing whatever was causing our miscarriages, but for whatever reason, he chose not to.

For a while, I tried to hide my brokenness. I assumed (mistakenly) that if I didn’t show how broken I felt, it would go away.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that brokenness doesn’t go away. Broken things don’t get fixed unless you let Someone put them back together again.

It was only when I started sharing about how hurt I was that God began healing my heart and putting me back together again. He used the people around me to shower me with His love…to remind me he did still love me, he was still with me, and he had heard every single prayer I uttered to him.

God used my authenticity to bring healing, and I believe he wants to do the same for many other women as well.

The problem is, we’re afraid to be authentic. We’re afraid of being judged, rejected, or abandoned.

I won’t deny the risk. Authenticity is risky…but it’s also worth it.

Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk:

 

1. Authenticity opens the door to real relationships.

C.S. Lewis said that “friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another:

What! You too?’”

How many times have you struggled with a problem and thought you were the only one? But then, when you finally got the courage to share your issue, you realized many other women had been there too.

Real relationships are only possible when both people are willing to be real with one another…real about their struggles, their successes, and their lives.

2. Authenticity opens the door to real healing.

[Tweet “Authenticity opens the door to real healing. “]

Jennifer Rothschild told a story in her book God is Just Not Fair about a speaker who carried a glass of water with her onto the platform as she spoke. This woman held the glass of water throughout the entire presentation.

At first, holding the glass was easy. After all, it was just a glass of water.

But as the class wore on, everyone in the audience could tell the woman’s arms were getting tired. That glass of water—that didn’t weigh much—felt like it weighed a ton because of how long she held it.

You and I often carry around our own glasses of water…our own worries, fears, insecurities, or problems. We don’t want anyone to know what we’re carrying so we pretend it doesn’t exist.

The problem, though, is that it does exist, and it’s getting heavier the longer we carry it alone. Our sisters in Christ can’t help us carry our glasses if they don’t know about them. Likewise, God can’t carry our glasses if we’re not willing to let him have them.

3. Authenticity opens the door to God’s glory shining through us.

I love this quote by Kaci Calvaresi:

“God can’t use a redemptive story that you’re not willing to tell.”

God wants to use our stories to show his glory, but He can only use them if we will share them.

 [Tweet “God wants to use our stories to show his glory, but He can only use them if we will share them.”]

Authenticity is scary at times. It’s risky. But it’s also worth it!

Let’s talk: why do you think it’s so hard to be authentic with one another? Leave a comment and let us know your thoughts . . .

*photo courtesy: Foreman Photography

About Lindsey Bell:

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a parenting devotional designed for busy moms. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:

Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com

Her website: www.lindseymbell.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell

Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01

Lindsey Bell_web format-2

perf5.000x8.000.indd

September 22, 2014
Return to top of page

When God’s Gift is “No”

3

Our guest blogger today is a dear friend and fellow author and speaker from San Diego, California, Cindi McMenamin. Cindi and I met at Mt Hermon Writer’s Conference the year she got her first book contract with Harvest House and we’ve remained encouragers and supporters of each others careers ever since. She interviewed me for stories in several of her books, and the secondary infertility story she shares below is in my book Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?

I know you are going to enjoy what she shares from her new book–

When God Sees Your Tears by Cindi McMenamin

When God Sees Your Tears by Cindi McMenamin

Do you know what it’s like to ask God for something and to keep receiving a “no”?

I do. And it hurts. But I’ve learned through the years that God’s “no” is often a gift greater than what I had originally asked for.

Whether I was trying to get a book published, trying to have a child, or trying to pry open a door of opportunity, every time I received a “no,” I later learned what God was really saying was “Wait, I have something far better for you than you thought to ask for.” Yet all I could see in front of me was a rejection letter. More waiting. Another closed door. Discouragement.

God’s Gift to Hannah was “No.”

Hannah, a woman we read about in the Old Testament, knew that discouragement, too. She longed to have a baby. Yet we find twice in the first few lines of her story that the reason for Hannah’s infertility was “because the Lord had closed her womb” (1 Samuel 1:5-6).

Ouch! Now, I would feel so much better if that sentence about Hannah read, “because she was unable to bear children.” But that verse specifically tells us that the Lord was the One withholding from Hannah the one thing she wanted most in life.

We’d like to think God is behind only the blessings we receive in life and, therefore, we have a hard time wrapping our minds around the possibility that God would allow—or even arrange—certain difficulties to come our way. Yet, that is one of the primary ways He—

  • awakens our need for Him,
  • grows our dependence on Him,
  • shapes our character,
  • and draws us closer to Him.

In Hannah’s case, she became so desperate to have a son that she poured out her heart to God in prayer, promising to give her son back to God if He would finally give her a child. It was then, after Hannah came to that place of complete surrender, that we read God’s gracious, yet timely, response: “And the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son…” (1 Samuel 1:19-20).

Sometimes “No” means Wait

[Tweet “Sometimes “No” means Wait”]

Hannah got her long-awaited son, but years later than she had anticipated. The apparent “no” from God was really “wait.” And the wait turned out to be the best blessing of all. Hannah didn’t have just any baby. She had a son named Samuel who became one of Israel’s greatest prophets and priests. He anointed Israel’s first two kings and helped turn the nation’s heart back toward God. Wow! Hannah simply asked God for a baby. But God wanted to give her—and a nation—so much more than she asked. So He waited and did it in His timing, not hers.

Scripture tells us that God can do “all things. No plan of (His) can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). Scripture also tells us that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17 NIV). So if every gift is from God, and you’re praying for a “gift” and it’s not arriving, God is the One who is deciding to withhold that gift. And I have learned that some of God’s “gifts” are the very things He decides to withhold.

 [Tweet “some of God’s “gifts” are the very things He decides to withhold. “]

Sometimes “No” is a gift from God

God’s “gifts” sometimes take the form of difficulties, losses, frustrations, and outright pain. We don’t originally see them as gifts, but more like disappointments, aggravations, or even rejection. But they are gifts, nonetheless, that are given to us to grow us to a new level in our spiritual life or to prepare us for something better that God has in store for us; or perhaps to even help us see something extraordinary about God that we couldn’t see before.

I remember not wanting to accept one of the “gifts” God was giving me, primarily because I saw it as His withholding, not as His giving. I struggled with not being able to have a second child (what doctors now refer to as secondary infertility). It was a struggle because I remember “claiming” Psalm 84:11 as my promise that I would have another child: “No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly (NASB).”

“Surely another baby is a good thing, God,” I prayed. “Certainly You will not withhold.” And yet, God did. Apparently, what God considered a “good thing” in my life was not birthing a second child, but birthing a writing and speaking ministry, instead. Although, at the time, I felt that God was withholding something from me, I can today see His withholding as a “gift” in terms of a different life direction that He had for me.

Through the years, I’ve seen repeatedly that God’s idea of a good thing—and ultimately what’s best for me in my faith walk with Him—may be completely different than mine. Although my opinion has often differed from God’s in His early stages of withholding something, I have learned not to question the wisdom and actions of an all-knowing, all-loving God who is much more capable of managing my life than I am.

I do not have a second child today because the Lord had closed my womb. But I could also say, “I am living the dream God has placed on my heart through my writing and speaking because the Lord had closed my womb.”

Because the Lord had . . .

I could give you a lengthy list of other “gifts” that I have received at God’s hand, but didn’t originally see as gifts because they all included the phrase because the Lord had…

           I didn’t marry Mike because the Lord had changed his heart.

           I lost a good friend, because the Lord had taken her away.

           I went through a season of loss, because the Lord had shut the door.

There are other ways of looking at those same “gifts” (or withholdings):

          I married Hugh because the Lord had changed Mike’s heart.

          I was spared further hurt, because the Lord had taken her away.

          I can minister to women today because the Lord had shut that door.

What because the Lord had phrases have affected your life and caused your tears to flow? Are you a woman who is where she is today . . .

                       because the Lord had closed that door?

                        because the Lord had changed his heart?

                        because the Lord let you get cancer?

                        because the Lord had not healed her?

Oh, my friend, God has His reasons for why He has allowed or prevented something from happening in your life. And it’s not because He wanted to punish you or make your life miserable. It’s not because He didn’t love you or didn’t care about you or didn’t hear your prayers. It’s very possible that He wants to bless you from another angle. And it’s very possible He wants you to realize that the one thing you need the most—your one missing piece—is Him.

 

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and award-winning writer who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the best-selling author of When Women Walk Alone(more than 120,000 copies sold) and a dozen other books including When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, and her newest release, When God Sees Your Tears, upon which this article is based. For more resources to strengthen your soul, marriage, and relationships with God and others, see her website: www.strengthforthesoul.com.

View More: http://chelseamariephoto.pass.us/cindi

August 4, 2014
Return to top of page

Adoption According to God’s Plan

0

Mother’s Day is next weekend—a joyous day for mothers with children and a torturous heartbreaking day for “mommies-in-waiting.” In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, my daughter Kim vulnerably shares the pain of being childless on Mother’s Day and then the amazing blessing of becoming an adoptive mommy to my precious grandson, Brandon.

Our guest blogger today is my dear friend and fellow The M.O.M. Initiative mentor mom, Lori Wildenberg. Lori and her husband, like my daughter and her husband and so many couples who share their story in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?—had their plan of how they would become a family. In every case, the couple found peace in surrendering to God’s plan.

Lori and Tom’s Story

Our Plan

As newlyweds, my husband and I had a vision—we discussed and agreed:

• Four kids. Check.
• Three through birth. Check.
• The fourth through adoption. Check.

We had a lot of love to share. We would have three kids and complete our family with an adopted child. We would be great parents so we could provide a nice home for a child that needed one.

This was a good, solid, even honorable plan. Clearly, God would bless this and be on board with our plan.

Yes, adopt a fourth child. Perfect.

Why Isn’t Our Plan Working?

We (by we, I mean me) became consumed with the goal of conceiving. I was hooked on doctor visits; placing all my hope in the medical field. Nothing was going to stop me from achieving my goal.

Every month, for thirty-six months, I vacillated between determined and disappointed. Hopeful and heartbroken.

Finally, after three years, Tom and I decided it was time to ask God about His plan for our family.

Together, we realized our hope had been misplaced.

Following God’s Plan

God sweetly directed us to stop. Stop trying. Stop the doctor visits. Stop looking to medicine. Start looking to Him. He is the One who creates families.

In His great goodness, He had already given us a heart for adoption. And…the three years of infertility had given us perspective.

Had we gone into adoption thinking we were going to do some awesome, sacrificial thing to help a child, our love might have been conditional.

What if the adopted child didn’t appreciate our sacrifice and helping hand?

In His wisdom, the Lord flipped our emotions and thoughts inside out.

We traveled to Bogota, Colombia to receive our precious bundle from God. Holding her, I knew I wanted my daughter more than she needed me.

My motivation was purely selfish.tom with courtney1

 

God did a great thing by bringing the three of us together. Then He turned our plan upside down.
• First through adoption. Check
• Three through birth. Check.
• Four kids. Check.

No medical involvement only supernatural intervention. (The only planned stork arrival was number one!)

Thankfully, His ways are not our ways.

What Not to Say to An Adopting Couple

Recently, Janet did a blog on 10 Things Not to Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility. Here is my list of don’ts regarding couples who are adopting.

Don’t Say:

  • “Once you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.”
  • “What do you know about the child’s real parents?”
  • “How much did you spend?”
  • “Will you be able to love this child as much as your biological kids?”
  • Most questions fall into the none-of-your-business category. The goal of adoption isn’t to get pregnant, it’s to have a child. By the way, an adoptive parent is a real parent.

Do Say: “Congratulations. I am so happy for you.”

And as for love…love multiplies, it endures, it is forever.

Lori Wildenberg, mom of four, wife to Tom, and a licensed parent and family educator, is the co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting. Lori is passionate about coming alongside parents to encourage, empower, and support. Her straightforward, realistic approach mixed with transparency, warmth, and gentle humor, engages her audience, and assists moms and dads in their quest to parent well. Lori has co-authored three parenting books—Raising Little Kids with Big Love and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love scheduled to release May 2014. To schedule Lori for one of your events go to www.loriwildenberg.com or www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com.

 Lori-Wildenberg-240x300-1

 

May 5, 2014
Return to top of page

Hug An Infertile Couple This Week

2

 

Dear-God-Why-Cant-I-Have-a-Baby11-200x300

You may not have April 20-26 marked on your calendar as National Infertility Awareness Week, but 1 in 6 couples check their calendar frequently to see if they’re pregnant or how long it’s been since they filed adoption papers or when will the infertility tests be back . . .

An Ignored Group

With millions of couples experiencing infertility, a large percentage of the population feel shunned. Yet, you probably know someone dealing with infertility in your neighborhood, your church, your family, your friends, your co-workers . . .Maybe it’s you struggling to become a mommy or experiencing secondary infertility and know what it’s like to feel invisible in a group.

Many of the “mommies-in-waiting” sharing their stories in my book, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey expressed the sorrowful complaint that they felt ignored by friends and family, even in the church–especially in the church.

Often we ignore the infertile couple because we don’t know what to say to them. Or the infertile couple doesn’t talk about their painful situation because people say hurtful things.

People Say The Darnedest Things!

Your loved ones will say all the wrong things. All of us who have gone through infertility agree on this point.—Laurie, A Mommy-in-Waiting

Dear God,

People keep asking when we’re going to start having children, as if I’m making a conscious decision not to! I try shrugging it off with an answer that we probably will “someday.” Inside, I’m dying. Why are people so insensitive and why do they feel it’s ok to ask something so personal? Everyone seems to think they’re a doctor and they know the answer to my infertility. Then the advice . . . the number one thing everyone seems to say is, “Oh, you just need to relax.” Or “You’re young; you’ve got plenty of time.” UGH!!! Help, God, they’re killing me!

Wounded by Words, Kim

Kim is my precious daughter whose struggle with the heartache of infertility was often intensified by well-meaning—yet wounding—words. Many infertile couples’ stories mention how thoughtless and hurtful people’s comments and advice can be. Debbie wrote, “I’ve experienced people in the church say some of the worst things ever to me with every good intention. Probably one of the most insensitive and painful is, ‘Maybe God never meant for you to have children.’”

You can be sure thoughtless, hurtful comments aren’t from God, who instructs: “Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim” (Proverbs 15:4 MSG).

10 Things Not To Say or Do To Someone Experiencing Infertility

I believe in the front of every church directory there should be a list of things that you shouldn’t say to people during times of grief, just like emergency preparedness in the front of the phone book.—Debbie, A Mommy-in-Waiting

Most people don’t mean to be hurtful: they innately want to say and do the right thing. They offer a cliché or something that minimizes your situation or feels patronizing because they’re uncomfortable being around someone suffering. Here are ten helpful tips from Mommies-In-Waiting:

DON’T…                                                                               DO…

1. Talk about people you know with infertility.                    1. Let me talk about mine and listen

2. Tell me God is in control, or has a plan.                            2. Show me God’s love.

3. Tell me to pray harder.                                                      3. Pray for and with me.

4. Pity or patronize me.                                                          4. Show compassion.

5. Avoid me. It makes me feel rejected, different.                5. Keep normal contact with me.

6. Tell others, unless you have asked permission.                 6. Honor my privacy.

7. Offer unsolicited advice or suggestions.                            7. Support my choices.

8. Resent how my infertility affects you.                               8. Remember, this is about me.

9. Ask personal questions or give advice.                              9. Curtail curiosity.

10. Assume it’s a “female” problem.                                     10. Respect it’s personal.

Suggested Responses for the Infertile Couple

We will speak the truth in love.—Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)

Following are frequent unwelcome comments and suggested responses. Non-satirical humor often defrays uncomfortable situations. Your goal isn’t to offend or embarrass the person. The responses shouldn’t be said sarcastically, defensively, or angrily. Use this as an opportunity to be a good witness:

1. “When are you two going to start a family?”

Response: What makes you think we’re not trying?

2. “You just need to relax, take it easy, rest more, or take a vacation.”

Response: Then I might have two problems—no baby and no job!

3. “You aren’t getting any younger!”

Response: Are you fishing for an invitation to my next birthday party?

4. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”

Response: Time is the one thing we have too much of now.

5. “You should take________”—they name some food, herb, or drug.

Response: I’ll check with my doctor about that.

6. “You should try_______”—they suggest some sexual position.

Response: You mean we’re supposed to have sex?

7. “We need grandchildren.”

Response: We need to be parents first.

8. “There must be some hidden sin in your life.”

Response: Jesus forgave my sins when I became a Christian.

9. “You aren’t praying hard enough.”

Response: Are you offering to pray for us?

10. “If God wanted you to have children, you would.”

Response: Ouch! That hurts.

Remember: Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose (Proverbs 18:21 MSG).

*Some excerpts from Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey

Kim's family 2014Daughter Kim’s family today! Thank you Lord for these 3 precious blessings

April 21, 2014
Return to top of page

Because We’re Better Together

2

I’m so excited to be a part of The M.O.M Initiative’s First National Conference and I wanted to share all the details with you. I will be keynoting and presenting four workshops along with many gifted speakers, authors, moms, and grandmas! Following is all the information and please let me know if you’re attending.

photo RegisterforBetterTogetherButtonwithborder_zps9cc0718b.jpg

Need to know you’re NOT ALONE? Ready for a fun weekend GETAWAY with your GIRLFRIENDS? Need to be REFRESHED & REFUELED?

Join us at BETTER TOGETHER where 19 authors & speakers CONVERGE in ONE PLACE to minister to YOU with over 40 WORKSHOPS to meet you where you are!

BETTER TOGETHER is a conference by The M.O.M. Initiative, for women of ALL ages and in ALL stages of life!

SOMETIMES…we just need a weekend to laugh together, cry together, and discover you’re not alone in your journey. BETTER TOGETHER is a weekend to connect with women just like you….moms, wives, single moms, moms in blended families, divorced moms, moms of teens, moms of toddlers, grandmas, working moms, stay at home moms, mentors and ministry leaders.

With powerful keynotes from moms and ministry leaders just like you, and over 40 breakout sessions that are taught by experienced leaders and include a wide range of topics such as:

  • When Motherhood Should Come with a Training Manual
  • You Can’t Be 1/2 a Mom (for moms in blended families)
  • Walking Beside Your Child with Special Needs
  • The God Who Sees You
  • Bully Proof
  • Balancing Life and Ministry
  • Fight for Your Family
  • The Making of a Mom
  • Lord, Help My Marriage
  • Building a Top Notch Team
  • Reaching the Hard to Reach Child
  • Nothing Too Broken (Find hope & healing for even the deepest wounds)
  • Godly Girlfriends: The Sprinkles on the Cupcakes of Life
  • Praying for Your Prodigal
  • Lifegiving Hospitality ~ Start Simply but Simply Start (Hands on cooking class)

And MANY MORE BREAKOUTS that will meet you right where you are!

You’ll experience an amazing time of worship with The Journey Worship Band, you’ll learn, you’ll share, you’ll grow in Christ… and as a woman… and as a mother… and as a mentor… and as a ministry leader.

Expect to have fun, meet other moms, find hope and encouragement, and laugh…a lot!

  • Great worship with the live band
  • Lots of giveaways!
  • Late Night Bash with the M.O.M.s on Friday night!
  • Lots of opportunities to shop in the Exhibit Hall!
  • 15 Minutes w/M.O.M. appointments where you can meet a M.O.M.
  • Lots of workshops (over 40) to help you in practical, personal & powerful ways
  • Panel Talk on Saturday with some of YOUR questions answered by the M.O.M. team!

Here are the details:

When: July 31st – August 2nd, 2014

Where: Trinity Baptist Church, Jacksonville, Florida

How Much: Only $49 ($39 for groups of 10 or more)

How: To register or find out more information, visit www.themominitiative.com and go to “Conferences”

Seating is limited so you will want to get your tickets now and invite your friends!

You’ll be empowered, encouraged, refreshed and refueled…ready to fulfill your God-given calling with the confidence of knowing you don’t have to take your mom journey alone.

Don’t miss THE Southeast’s MOM conference of the year, BETTER TOGETHER by The M.O.M. Initiative…

Because we are ALL better together!

So come, BRING A FRIEND and make it a CONFERENCE EVENT FOR THE WOMEN IN YOUR CHURCH or MINISTRY!

CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU THERE!

 

January 27, 2014
Return to top of page

Even Hollywood Gets It!

2

The Search for Santa Paws

What do the following movies have in common?

Meet the Robinsons, Elf, Kung Fu Panda 2, The Search For Santa Paws, Les Miserables, Annie, Cinderella, Peter Pan, Aladdin.

Any ideas?

My grandkids were visiting this past weekend and they brought their DVD’s. They chose to watch The Search For Santa Paws one night, a movie I hadn’t seen. As I started watching it with them, I had a “Holy Spirit” moment when I realized one of the subplots was about orphans being rescued from a bad foster care home and being adopted by a couple who couldn’t have children. The next night they watched Kung Fu Panda 2 and this movie also had an orphan theme.

I had already planned this post for Monday, but I realized the Lord was opening my eyes to how many movies are about orphans or orphanages. One website said there are 599 movies with an orphan theme, including the ones I listed above.

The Bible says “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you” (James 1:27 NLT). It’s interesting that even Hollywood understands that passage.

A baby—precious, fragile, helpless, dependent, sweet, needy, and full of potential—without a family is destitute, institutionalized, alone . . .  heartbreaking.

Any child at any age without a home, without a family, without love is heartbreaking.

James 1:27 tells the church, and every Christian, that it isn’t enough to feel sad or compassionate about an orphan. The very foundation of our faith says we will take care of them. I have to think that when God uses the term “caring for orphans”, He means more than putting them in orphanages and the foster care system—He means they are the personal responsibility of the church.

National Adoption Awareness Month

November has been designated National Adoption Awareness Month, and specifically this year, November 23 is National Adoption Day. Eight years ago, my family became a “forever family” to my precious grandson, Brandon, and he became legally ours in a courtroom on National Adoption Day. We can’t imagine our family without Brandon, and I try not to focus on what his life would have been like had his teenage mother not put him up for adoption—or even worse—had she availed herself to a morning after pill or aborted her baby or left him on a doorstep. I’m still in awe and wonder that God bestowed such a precious gift to our family— baby Brandon.

God’s Plan A

Today 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility, but with advances in infertility treatment, adoption is not always considered a viable option, or maybe considered as a Plan B when all else fails. My daughter Kim and her husband Toby, Brandon’s “forever parents,” struggled for years with infertility and, then, felt God calling them to a “ministry of adoption.” Many of you may have felt that same call to adopt a child into your family and have experienced the joys and blessings of “caring for the orphans.” It was never meant to be Plan B, it’s always been God’s Plan A. But my daughter stresses that a couple shouldn’t consider adoption until they can look at it as God’s plan for them becoming a family or adding to their family.

Adoption blesses the adopted family, the adopted child, and the birth mom.

God’s Plan for Orphans Is Not Just for the Infertile

In the Bible, God talked openly, and often, about orphans and the responsibility of the church to take care of them. Many churches today focus on caring for other nation’s orphans, which is admirable. But what about the orphans in their own communities and in the overflowing foster care system?

It’s an awesome thing to have your family sponsor a child through Compassion International or one of the other Christian organizations that help indigent children in foreign countries, but it’s also our calling to do something up close and personal for a child without a family in our country.

One of my son-in-laws regularly visited the local county orphanage to play with the children. Sadly, the foster care programs today are overflowing with children who need a loving, Christian home and parents. What is your church doing to help? What are you doing? What is your family doing?

Facts from The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute Website

In the U.S. 400,540 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system. 115,000 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 40% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted.  Source: AFCARS Report, No. 19

Around the world, there are an estimated 153 million orphans who have lost one parent. There are 17,900,000 orphans who have lost both parents and are living in orphanages or on the streets and lack the care and attention required for healthy development. These children are at risk for disease, malnutrition, and death. Source: UNICEF and Childinfo

According to the U.S. State Department, U.S. families adopted more than 9,000 children in 2011. Last year, Americans adopted the highest number of children from China followed by Ethiopia, Russia, South Korea, and Ukraine. Source: United States State Department

No child under three years of age should be placed in institutional care without a parent or primary caregiver. This is based on results from 32 European countries, including nine in-depth country studies, which considered the “risk of harm in terms of attachment disorder, developmental delay and neural atrophy in the developing brain.” Source: Mapping the Number and Characteristics of Children Under Three in Institutions Across Europe at Risk of Harm: Executive Summary

Children raised in orphanages have an IQ 20 points lower than their peers in foster care, according to a meta-analysis of 75 studies (more than 3,800 children in 19 countries). This shows the need for children to be raised in families, not in institutions. Source: IQ of Children Growing Up in Children’s Homes A Meta-Analysis on IQ Delays in Orphanages

Each year, over 27,000 youth “age out” of foster care without the emotional and financial support necessary to succeed. This number has steadily risen over the past decade. Nearly 40% had been homeless or couch surfed, nearly 60% of young men had been convicted of a crime, and only 48% were employed. 75% of women and 33% of men receive government benefits to meet basic needs. 50% of all youth who aged out were involved in substance use and 17% of the females were pregnant. Source: Fostering Connections

Nearly 25% of youth aging out did not have a high school diploma or GED, and a mere 6% had finished a two- or four-year degree after aging out of foster care. One study shows 70% of all youth in foster care have the desire to attend college. Source: Midwest Evaluation of the Adult Functioning of Former Foster Youth

As of 2011, nearly 60,000 children in foster care in the U.S. are placed in institutions or group homes, not in traditional foster homes. Source: AFCARS Report, No. 19

States spent a mere 1.2-1.3% of available federal funds on parent recruitment and training services even though 22% of children in foster care had adoption as their goal. Source: Adoption Advocate No. 6: Parent Recruitment and Training: A Crucial, Neglected Child

Over three years is the average length of time a child waits to be adopted in foster care. Roughly 55% of these children have had three or more placements. An earlier study found that 33% of children had changed elementary schools five or more times, losing relationships and falling behind educationally. Source: AFCARS Report, No. 19

What is Our Responsibility as a Church?

As Christians, we should understand the concept of adoption since we’re all adopted into the family of God.

As you give thanks around your tables this Thanksgiving for the blessings and the families God has given you, who do you need to reach out to who longs for a family of their own— the orphans, the empty-arms parents, the pregnant women trying to decide what to do with her baby?

Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans. (Isaiah 1:17 NLT)

 

My daughter Kim, and other mommies-in-waiting, tell their adoption stories in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey. We’re running a special for the remainder of November and December on this book at our website shop. If you know a couple struggling with infertility, or you are that couple, give a gift of hope and encouragement.

We officially became Brandon’s forever family on Adoption Day 2005 but he had been “ours” since he was three weeks old. By the time Adoption Day rolled around, he had a baby sister, Katelyn! God doubly blessed us all. Here he is with mommy and daddy and the judge who made it legal! What an amazing day it was and still is…

Dear-God-Why-Cant-I-Have-a-Baby11-200x300

November 18, 2013
Return to top of page

Mother’s Day: Happy or Hurting

2

“I hate Mother’s Day!” said my dear friend who is longing for a baby. “You know that women struggling with infertility don’t go to church on Mother’s Day.” Kris agrees, “I was that mom-in-waiting for 16 years; I stayed away from baby showers, church, and friends who would get pregnant. I didn’t stop praying, but it WAS the worse pain.” Lisa concurs, “I am guilty of having skipped church a few years before we adopted my son.”

In my book, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey, my own daughter wrote about her painful Mother’s Day experience:

Dear God,

It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t know if I can handle seeing all those happy moms at church and brunch. I’m trying to focus on my mom and not think about how I’m missing out on being a mommy on yet another Mother’s Day. This year is especially hard since we’ve been trying to be parents for so long and so hard, only to be repeatedly disappointed. At the store looking for a card for my mom, I see the cute cards at the end of the aisle “To Mommy”…oh God, I wish I were someone’s mommy! I look away and continue focusing at the task ahead, getting my mom and mothers-in-law their cards.

Today’s the day, it’s Mother’s Day. I don’t think I can bear it. It’s just begun and already I want this day over. I pull myself out of bed and get ready for church. I’m not looking forward to the sermon about children being a blessing and honoring mothers. God, help me focus on my mom.

We met my parents at church and I put on my happy face, when inside I was crying watching all the mothers with big smiles dressed in pretty spring dresses and children running all around. This was a day of celebration and I just wanted to go back to bed. The pastor started the message with asking all the mothers to stand up. Hundreds of women stood and everyone applauded. I couldn’t take it any longer and sat slouched over in my seat quietly crying. Toby put his arm around me and my mom held my hand, but nothing took away the pain. I barely heard the rest of the message.

After brunch, I came home, collapsed on my bed, and cried myself to sleep where I remained the rest of the day. God, please don’t make me go through another Mother’s Day with this hole in my heart. I want to stand up in church with all those other mothers beaming from ear to ear and have everyone applaud me. God, please let me stand up next year.

Mother’s Day is especially hard for mommies-in-waiting, but for most of these women, every day is hard. With 1 in 6 couples experiencing infertility, you are, or know, a woman experiencing this heartache. Often we don’t know what to say to them, so we say nothing, or maybe unintentionally say something that makes them feel worse. Kris, who I mentioned in the opening paragraph, says, “We cannot ignore them [women longing for a child]. I know how hard it was for people to talk to me. But I would have loved it if they did.”

In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, I offer tools to help you know the “Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do And To Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility.” This list is also on the Infertility Support page on my website.

When I was writing the book, women often told me that the place they felt the loneliest was the church. That breaks my heart.  Jesus said he came for the sick, and that includes heartsick. The church should be a safe place for the hurting, not a place where they feel shunned or outcast.  How does your church comfort mommies-in-waiting on Mother’s Day and every day?

Mothers of Prodigals

Another group of women who will be hurting on Mother’s Day are the mothers of prodigals. They may not even know where there child is, or know all too well where they are and what they are doing that breaks a mother’s heart and the heart of God. These moms also need comforting, a hug, a reminder that this day is for them too and they are not forgotten or ignored.

I was that hurting mom and in Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter: Hope, Help & Encouragement for Hurting Parents, I tell the story of praying daily that my daughter would find her way back to God, and six years later, she did. This Mother’s Day weekend she and I will be sharing our story at a Mother/Daughter tea. I’ve had a vision of us doing this for many years and prayed expectantly that God would bring my dream to life, and He has.

And Kim who was that heartsick mommy-in-waiting on Mother’s Day is now blessed with a family, but when we speak to the women God brings to this Mother’s Day Tea, neither of us will ever forget what it felt like to be hurting on Mother’s Day. We will speak with caring and compassion a comforting message of hope in God’s plan and timing. We won’t ignore these women, we will love on them!

I hope that you will do the same for the mommies-in-waiting, the moms of prodigals, or the moms who have lost a daughter or a son who may need a shoulder to cry on . . . a prayer . . . an understanding hug. If you’ve been where they’re at, mentor them like only someone who has been in their shoes can. If you haven’t been in their shoes, just let them know you can’t possibly understand, but you’re there for them and God is too!

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”—1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

NOTE: Besides not knowing what to say, many of us don’t know what to give a mommy-in-waiting or a mom of a prodigal, and so we usually give them nothing. The books I have written for these women are full of hope and encouragement from the voices of other women who have walked the same journey, as well as from God’s Love Letter.  So for the month of May I’m running a sale on my website for Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? and Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter. Another helpful book might be Face-to-Face with Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah: Pleading with God. I will sign and personalize each book.

May 6, 2013
Return to top of page

Interview Today with Writer’s Voices

0

Listen live today 11/4 from 1:00-2:00  pm CT for discussion of Dear God, Why Can’ I Have a Baby?
http://www.kruufm.com/node/11856 and KRUU LP 100.1FM.

If you miss today’s interview it will be rebroadcast at 8:00 am CT Monday 11/7 and available for download or listening both at the kruufm.com archives and as a podcast on http://www.writersvoices.com/

Linda Young will also be interviewed on her book Hope for Familes of Children with Cancer.

If you listen, I would love to hear your comments.

November 4, 2011
Return to top of page

Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?

0



No, that is not my desperate cry, but it is the cry of many women who struggle with infertility, and it is also the title of my next book. This week I leave for Mount Hermon Writer’s Conference where I will be sharing my proposal for this book.

Two of my daughters have struggled with infertility, and they also share their story in the book. I know there is a void in the Christian market for books that give these “Parents-in-waiting” as I call them….hope, solace, and encouragement from others and from the Lord.

If you are a “Parent-in-Waiting” and would like to share your story in the book, please let me know. Or even if you don’t want to share the story, tell me if there were any books that helped you or what you would like to see in a book. I would love to have your comments.

I also share with you here a marquee that greeted me when I was in Idaho earlier this month doing book signings with my daughter Kim for Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter. I don’t think I have EVER had such a greeting. Kim also struggled with infertility and will be sharing her story in the new book. She and her husband adopted my precious grandson Brandon and then she became pregnant with Katelyn who was born nine months later and now she is pregnant again….you just never know what God has planned. Here also is a picture of these two little cherubs.

I look forward to hearing from you on this topic.
Blessings, Janet

March 11, 2008
Return to top of page
« Previous Page
Return to top of page · Copyright © 2024 Crown Laid Down Designs All Rights Reserved · Our Privacy Policy