If You’re Pro-life, You’re Pro-Woman!

If You're Pro Life, You're Pro Woman

I woke up the morning of January 24 excited and eager to watch the 2020 March for Life on TV. For the first time in the forty-seven years of this annual march, a President, our President Trump, was going to speak in person! A bold and brave step in the current political climate.

I made my coffee and turned on the TV, but to my dismay, no reception. Looking out the window, I saw snow on our cable Dish, and even though we cover it with a trash bag, sometimes the weight of the snow or ice inhibits the DISH from operating properly.

Knowing how important this was to me, hubby put on his snow clothes and boots, grabbed the brush to clear the DISH, and plodded out through the snow in what was now rain. A true act of love!

The TV screen finally came alive, but now what channel would be broadcasting this momentous event? Surely, no mainstream media since they were too busy championing the impeachment trial.

Again, hubby to the rescue located the march on C-Span just as the program was starting. Then with an opening prayer, a welcome from pro-life Vice President Pence and his wife streamed in from Italy where they’re meeting with the Pope, President Trump strode onto the stage to address the tens of thousands of marchers ready to take up their Pro-Life signs and march for the right to life of the unborn.

[Tweet “One sign at the March for Life was especially poignant as it portrayed the birth of Jesus in a manger with the words “An Unplanned Pregnancy Saved Us All!””]

One sign was especially poignant as it portrayed the birth of Jesus in a manger with the words “An Unplanned Pregnancy Saved Us All!” We know that Mary and Joseph didn’t plan that pregnancy, but God did as He plans each and every pregnancy!

As President Trump greeted the crowd, he reiterated how proud he was to stand with the advocates for life to “protect the right of every child, born and unborn, to fulfill their God-given potential.”

A few of his remarks:

[Tweet “Every child is a precious and sacred gift from God. Together, we must protect, cherish, and defend the dignity and the sanctity of every human life.” President Trump at the March for Life”]

“All of us here today understand an eternal truth: Every child is a precious and sacred gift from God. Together, we must protect, cherish, and defend the dignity and the sanctity of every human life.”

“When we see the image of a baby in the womb, we glimpse the majesty of God’s creation.”

“As the Bible tells us, each person is wonderfully made.”

“Together, we are the voice for the voiceless.”

What If You’ve Had an Abortion or Know Someone Who Has?

[Tweet “If you’ve had an abortion, please know that God loves you and is ready to forgive if you only ask. ‘There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent. Luke 24:27 NLT”]

If you’ve had an abortion, please know that God loves you and is ready to forgive if you only ask. ‘There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent. Luke 24:27 NLT

I’m sure it hurts to hear and read about pro-life speeches and marches when you don’t know what to do with your pain and sorrow. I encourage you to share your story with a trustworthy person. Someone who will pray with you and keep your confidence. It’s healing to talk about your feelings and not let them fester in your heart where they can lead to bitterness and self-deprecating efforts to soothe remorse.

If you know someone who has had an abortion, offer to be a listening ear. Pray with and for her. Assist her in finding the help and support she needs to experience the peace and forgiveness her heart craves.

Life Empowers: Pro-Life is Pro-Woman

The March for Life chose the above theme this year because 2020 marks one hundred years since the 19th Amendment giving women the inalienable right to vote.

[Tweet “From the beginning of time, God empowered women with the incredible ability and responsibility of bringing new life into the world. Eve, whose name means “life-giving” was the first mother through which the entire world populated.”]

But from the beginning of time, God empowered women with the incredible ability and responsibility of bringing new life into the world. Eve, whose name means “Life-giving,” was the first mother from which the entire world would populate. Eve also means “Mother of All Who Have Life.”

[Tweet “Only a woman is empowered by God with the capability and privilege of carrying a human life in her womb.”]

Only a woman is empowered by God with the capability and privilege of carrying a human life in her womb. To feel her baby as it grows. The first kick. The first hiccup. The first rollover. That is our amazing joy as women to bring another person into the world. New creations, each one designed by God unique with its own DNA, fingerprint, and purpose.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. Psalm 139:13-14 NLT

God picks the time of each child’s conception! Sometimes His timing coincides with our desires, but like everything God does, it’s not always on our terms or times. That’s why He’s God and we’re not.

[Tweet “With the advent of ultrasounds, unborn babies may be voiceless, but they’re not invisible and their heartbeats are clearly heard.”]

With the advent of ultrasounds, unborn babies may be voiceless, but they’re not invisible and their heartbeats are clearly heard. It’s the Devil’s lie that these aren’t precious little human beings to be incubated and nourished in their mommy’s tummy until they burst forth with their first breath and cry. Both bodies intertwined from the moment of conception, bonding even before birth. That’s how God designed the mystery and majesty of creation.

Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women.

[Tweet “Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women.”]

The case for abortion is based on lies and manipulation. Abortion has become a cash cow funding industries and organizations like Planned Parenthood who lie to women and tell them their baby isn’t really human and that they won’t feel a thing. The truth is that they will feel their searing loss for the rest of their lives. Those women who sadly tout and brag about how liberating their abortions have been are trying to convince themselves that they didn’t really eliminate their own children.

What Can We Do?

If You're Pro Life, You're Pro Woman

As Christians, we need to remember that God doesn’t conform to man’s laws!

We can’t stand idly by and do nothing or think abortion isn’t our issue because it might not affect us personally or it’s “legal.” As I mentioned in last week’s blog post, apathy is the antithesis of the Christian life.

We need to let what breaks God’s heart, break our hearts.

I know you may have other good causes that you’re giving your time and energy too, but I ask: What could have been more important than saving the life and future of the 61,000,000 babies aborted? The purpose and plans God had for these baby boys and girls?

You don’t have to walk in a march or carry a sign to be an advocate for life.

As speakers pointed out in the Walk for Life, we have the right and obligation to vote for this Human Rights Issue. With our empowered vote, we choose government legislatures and presidents who don’t just talk about changing the status quo, but are willing to risk their political future and reputation to save the next generation of babies.

Who will go up against the liberal left?

Who will use the power we give him or her to not just maintain limits on abortion, but abolish it completely?

[Tweet “No woman or man should have the right to make a choice that ends in savagely taking a life and calling it legal.”]

No woman or man should have the right to make a choice that ends in savagely taking a life and calling it legal.

I challenge you that silence is compliance. Not taking a stand for right is inadvertently taking a stand for wrong.

[Tweet “Silence is compliance. Not taking a stand for right is inadvertently taking a stand for wrong.”]

I applaud each of you with a burden in your heart for the babies tortured, dismembered, and horrifically burned every second of every day because Satan spreads the lie that an unborn child does not have the inalienable right to life.

For everyone reading this blog, and I know there will be many unsubscribes, I pray that God speaks to your soul with what He wants you to do. Because there is no denying there will be a price to pay for this bloodstain on our nation as God asks: I saved you, why aren’t you saving the children?

Our Family’s Adoption Story

If You're Pro Life, You're Pro WomanIf You're Pro Life, You're Pro Woman

I have an amazing grandson because fifteen years ago a pregnant 15-year-old girl chose life for her second baby, while she was still raising her 18-month-old first baby and attending high school! She managed to keep her pregnancy a secret from her mom for seven months, when fifteen years ago abortion wasn’t an option at that late stage of pregnancy. Instead, she delivered a beautiful baby boy. My daughter and son-in-law, who suffered from infertility, blessed our family by adopting him and we became his forever family.

While I rejoice and praise God over that young girl’s choice to give her baby, my grandson, an opportunity to live, I cry over the millions of babies who never had the same opportunity.*

“We cannot know what our citizens yet unborn will achieve. The dreams they will imagine. The masterpieces they will create. The discoveries they will make. But we know this: every life brings love into this world, every child brings joy to a family. Every person is worth protecting. And above all, we know that every human soul is divine and every human life, born and unborn, is made in the holy image of Almighty God.” President Donald J. Trump

Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb
and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
10 I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
You have been my God from the moment I was born. Psalm 22:9-10 NLT

You can watch President Trump speaking at the 2020 March for Life and/or read the transcript at LifeSitenews.com.

Read two of our daughters’ infertility stories and about my grandson’s adoption in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?

In my book Mentoring for All Seasons, there’s a section on “Pregnancy—Planned and Unplanned” with tips and Scripture on how to mentor a pregnant woman, Teen Mom, and “Post-Abortion Recovery” section for mentoring a woman who has had an abortion.

In Everyday Brave, the chapter on “Brave Mothers” includes a testimony of Kathleen, a brave teen mom who chose to keep and raise her baby, who twenty-eight years later is a digital media arts teacher. In the chapter “Brave Believer,”
Penelope tells her brave story of being an RN Circulator in operating rooms and refusing to participate in abortion procedures even though it could jeopardize her career and she received much ridicule from her peers.

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In Today’s Culture, I Might Have Been Aborted

In Today's Culture I Could've Been Aborted

“I wouldn’t have had you if I knew I would be passing on health issues to you!” My mom said to me.

As states are rapid-fire passing abortion laws that allow babies to be aborted for any “health” reason, even up through and after delivery, my mother’s words echo in my mind. I was just a young girl and I tried to frame her words in love. But I wondered then, as I do now, why wouldn’t she want me? Were her words coming from a point of regret or concern about my future? She’s gone now and I never asked.

[Tweet “Ultrasounds have made strides in helping to determine when a heart starts beating as new parent’s excitedly watch the development of their baby in mommy’s tummy.”]

Ultrasounds have made strides in helping to determine when a heart starts beating as new parents excitedly watch the development of their baby in mommy’s tummy. There are so many benefits of ultrasounds, especially in letting hesitant mommy’s know their baby is not just tissue or a fetus, but a kicking, smiling, yawning, sleeping, squirming baby boy or girl.

Ultrasounds and amniocentesis also detect early developmental issues. Often a baby’s life can be saved by intrauterine surgery or detecting that the mommy needs to be on bedrest.

[Tweet “Before ultrasounds detecting problems babies would have a chance at life. Today doctors encourage fearful parents to abort “and try again.””]

But these same tests can detect problems that can’t be treated until the baby is born, or maybe not treatable ever.

Before intrauterine technology, those babies would have a chance at life. Today doctors might encourage fearful parents to “abort and try again.” Even though we read story after story of the doctor and the tests being wrong and a beautiful baby boy or girl surprises everyone. A baby almost killed because he or she might not be perfect.

I would’ve been one of those imperfect babies.

Today’s technology could probably detect that I would have a spine with severe debilitating congenital scoliosis. Doctors might have told my first-time parents that without treatment I would be deformed and why not “get rid of me and try again for a better baby next time.” But my mom was pregnant before ultrasounds. Parents had to anxiously wait until their baby was born to even know if they were having a boy or a girl. So I lived.

But as I grew, my mother continually told me to stand up straight and had me standing for hours with my back against the wall hoping my spine would straighten on its own. But it only got worse until doctors told her if I didn’t have surgery to put a metal rod down my spine or be put in traction and wear a plaster cast from just under my ears to my hip bones until I finished growing, my left arm would eventually drag the ground. There was no way to correct the S-shaped curvature, only stop it from getting any worse and I would endure a lifetime of back pain.

She probably repeated in her mind, “I shouldn’t have had you.”

In Today's Culture, I Could've Been Aborted Because I had a deformed spine

At Christmas with my younger sister. The plaster cast you see around my neck went all the way down to my hip bones. I’m bracing myself with my left hand because I could barely sit up.

Or maybe she would’ve started experiencing many of her “health issues,” and when she became pregnant, she didn’t want to pass them on to me. I would be better off not being born. Aborted.

When I had breast cancer three times after she was gone, had she been alive, she might have said again, “I shouldn’t have had you.”

But praise God . . . she did have me.

In Today's Culture, I Could Have Been Aborted

[Tweet “God had a plan for me like He has for every one of His creations and none of us are perfect.”]

God had a plan for me like He has for every one of His creations and none of us are perfect.

Mothers often express in delight, “My baby is perfect as they count ten toes and fingers, four limbs, two eyes, two ears, one nose and a mouth, but no one really knows what awaits each of us. And that’s a good thing. If we knew a two-year old was going to get cancer, would we not want to have those two precious years with our child? What about if doctors could predict asthma or allergies? Would those be considered enough “health issues” to abort?

Now that they can detect Down’s Syndrome and cleft palates, should those darling children not have a chance at life? Savagely, doctor’s give parents that choice today.

[Tweet “Every life has a purpose, and while we’d like our life to be pure joy and happiness, we’re all going to have challenges.”]

Every life has a purpose, and while we’d like our life to be pure joy and happiness, we’re all going to have challenges. God’s plan is for all His children to be a part of human history for however long or short our time on earth or how imperfect our bodies or minds.

It’s not our call to play God.

[Tweet “It is not our call to play God.”]

Here’s some ways God has used my less than perfect body.

  1. I had a beautiful baby girl, who could’ve possibly had scoliosis, but she doesn’t. I tried so hard to have her while I struggled with infertility and not once did I ever think, “Maybe God doesn’t want me to have a baby.” I love being a mother.
  2. My daughter has three beautiful children. I love being a grandmother.
  3. I have a godly husband who is devoted to Jesus and to me. I love being a wife.
  4. I had the opportunity to start the Woman to Woman Mentoring Ministry over twenty years ago and only God knows the number of women throughout the world who have been, and continue to be, blessed by mentoring relationships. I love being About His Work.
  5. At the age of 50, I became an author! September 2019 will be the release of my twentieth Christian nonfiction book, all written to the glory of God. I love being an author.
  6. I’ve had the opportunity to speak and encourage women throughout the United States and Canada about how to live a life for Christ. I love speaking and mentoring.

It’s true I’ve had, and continue to have, many health issues, but I’m so glad my mother did choose to give me life.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

Psalm 139:13-14

In a recent post Don’t Just Cry About It, Do Something, I said one of the things we can do is put a face to the inhumanity of abortion by telling our stories. I’m sure all of you have a story to tell too of someone, maybe you, who might’ve been aborted today. Share with us your story in the comments and tell someone else today! You might just be saving an unborn life.

If you received this blog by email, leave a comment here.

*Opening picture is from the Christian Conservative

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Remember Not Every Woman is “Happy” on Mother’s Day

motherbouquet

My daughter Kim and I were just on the phone making Mother’s Day plans. As we chatted about what we would do to celebrate her being the mother of my three darling grandchildren, and me being Kim’s mom . . . my mind wandered back to a Mother’s Day twelve years ago that wasn’t so happy for Kim.

In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey, Kim shares a painful and heartbreaking Mother’s Day:

Dear God,

It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t know if I can handle seeing all those happy moms at church and brunch. I’m trying to focus on my mom and not think about how I’m missing out on being a mommy on yet another Mother’s Day. This year is especially hard since we’ve been trying to be parents for so long and so hard, only to be repeatedly disappointed. At the store looking for a card for my mom, I see the cute cards at the end of the aisle “To Mommy”…oh God, I wish I were someone’s mommy! I look away and continue focusing at the task ahead, getting my mom and mothers-in-law their cards.

Today’s the day, it’s Mother’s Day. I don’t think I can bear it. It’s just begun and already I want this day over. I pull myself out of bed and get ready for church. I’m not looking forward to the sermon about children being a blessing and honoring mothers. God, help me focus on my mom.

We met my parents at church and I put on my happy face, when inside I was crying watching all the mothers with big smiles dressed in pretty spring dresses and children running all around. This was a day of celebration and I just wanted to go back to bed. The pastor started the message with asking all the mothers to stand up. Hundreds of women stood and everyone applauded. I couldn’t take it any longer and sat slouched over in my seat quietly crying. Toby put his arm around me and my mom held my hand, but nothing took away the pain. I barely heard the rest of the message.

After brunch, I came home, collapsed on my bed, and cried myself to sleep where I remained the rest of the day. God, please don’t make me go through another Mother’s Day with this hole in my heart. I want to stand up in church with all those other mothers beaming from ear to ear and have everyone applaud me. God, please let me stand up next year.

Some of you identify with Kim’s cry out to God.

“I hate Mother’s Day!” admitted a dear friend longing for a baby. “You know that women struggling with infertility don’t go to church on Mother’s Day.” Kris agrees, “I was that mom-in-waiting for sixteen years. I stayed away from baby showers, church, and pregnant friends. I didn’t stop praying, but it was the worse pain.”

Lisa concurs, “I am guilty of having skipped church on Mother’s Day a few years before we adopted my son.”

[Tweet “1 in 6 Women Experience Infertility”]

Someone You Know is Struggling with Infertility

Mother’s Day is especially hard for mommies-in-waiting, but for most of these women, every day is hard. With 1 in 6 couples experiencing infertility, you are, or know, a woman experiencing this heartache. Often we don’t know what to say to them, so we say nothing, or maybe unintentionally say something that makes them feel worse. Kris says, “We cannot ignore them [women longing for a child]. I know how hard it was for people to talk to me. But I would have loved it if they did.”

[Tweet “We cannot ignore them [women longing for a child]. I know how hard it was for people to talk to me. But I would have loved it if they did.””]

Avoidance only adds to these hurting women’s feelings of isolation and loneliness. When you don’t know what to say or do these suggestions might help: “Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do and to Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility.”

[Tweet “It breaks my heart to hear that many women say the one place they feel the loneliest is in the church.”]

It breaks my heart to hear that many women say the one place they feel the loneliest is in the church. Doesn’t that break your heart too? Jesus said he came for the sick, and that includes heartsick. The church should be a safe place for the hurting, not a place where they feel shunned or like outcasts.

How does your church comfort mommies-in-waiting on Mother’s Day … and every day?

Mothers of Prodigals

[Tweet “Mothers of prodigals are another group of women who dread Mother’s Day. “]

Mothers of prodigals are another group of women who dread Mother’s Day. They may not know where their child is, or know all too well where he or she is, and that breaks a mother’s heart and the heart of God. These moms need comforting, a hug, and assurance that this day is for them too.

Mothers Who Have Lost a Child

A mother who has lost a child, lives with that grief every day, but Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of the precious child they lost. I can’t imagine that pain, but I watched the sadness in my Granny Reed’s eyes that was always there over the murder of my father, her beloved son, a week before his 37th birthday. She had six other living children who she loved dearly, but there was always pain for the one she lost.

Women Who Have Lost Their Mother

[Tweet “There’s a void and ache that never goes away when your mom is no longer living on Mother’s Day “]

Mother’s Day is about celebrating your mom, but there’s a void and ache that never goes away when your mom is no longer living, and Mother’s Day becomes a sad reminder of all the years you celebrated her on Mother’s Day. It can also be a joyous time of remembering, but still there’s no one to buy a card for, give a hug to, and a special gift for the years she devoted to raising you. Even after you become a mom yourself and your children are celebrating you, there’s a generational celebration as you are still somebody’s little girl, just all grown up.

I hope that you will not ignore but love on the mommies-in-waiting, the moms of prodigals, or the moms who have lost a child or their own mom, who may need a shoulder to cry on . . . a prayer . . . an understanding hug this Mother’s Day.

[Tweet “If you’ve been where they’re at, mentor them like only someone who has been in their shoes can. “]

If you’ve been where they’re at, mentor them like only someone who has been in their shoes can. If you haven’t been in their shoes, let them know you can’t possibly understand, but you’re there for them and God is too!

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”—1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

Lindsey Bell shared another helpful blog post on my website 6 Thing Not to Say to Someone Who is Hurting (And What to Say Instead)

If you received this blog by email, leave a comment here.

Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby coverproddaughterbookcoverjpg1-661x1024

 

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6 Things NOT to Say When Someone is Hurting (And What to Say Instead)

6 Things NOT to Say When Someone Is Hurting

My friend, fellow author and a The MOM Initiative mentor mom, Lindsey Bell, has a new book, Unbeaten, that I wanted to share with you this week. In today’s blog post, Lindsey shares about something I write about also in both Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer (The-Top-Thirteen-Things-to-Do-or-Say to Someone with Breast Cancer) and Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? (The Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility). It’s hard to know what to say, or not say, to someone who is in deep emotional or physical pain and so often we say something that hurts rather than helps. We’ve all been there: had something hurtful said to us, or said the wrong thing to someone else.

6 Things NOT to Say When Someone is Hurting (And What to Say Instead)

By Lindsey Bell

One of the most important aspects of mentoring is ministering to someone who is going through a hard time.

[Tweet “One of the most important aspects of mentoring is ministering to someone who is going through a hard time.”]

Unfortunately, there is often confusion as to what is best to say when someone is hurting.

We want to encourage people, not make their pain worse, but we don’t always know what to say.

After each of my four consecutive miscarriages, and during the years of waiting, testing, and grieving, people tried to say things to me that would comfort my broken heart. They meant well, just as most people do when they attempt to comfort someone who is hurting.

Unfortunately, many of their well-intention words did more harm than good.

Here are a few things you should never say to someone who is hurting (and a few ideas of things you can say instead).

[Tweet “6 Things NOT to say to someone who is hurting (and what to say instead) “]

  1. You just need to trust God (or God’s timing or God’s plan, etc.).

While this might be true, it’s not a helpful thing to hear right after a loss or while the pain is still fresh.

Instead, say, “I’m so sorry.”

And that’s it. You don’t have to offer answers to someone going through a hard time.

[Tweet “You don’t have to offer answers to someone going through a hard time. “]

  1. There’s a reason for everything.

Really? Are you sure?

I guess this might be true. There probably is a reason for everything, but maybe that reason is simply that life stinks sometimes. Maybe that reason is that bad things happen.

Maybe there isn’t some theological, deep reason that God allowed this trial into their life. It’s possible, of course, there is a deeper reason. Maybe God is planning to use this situation in some really huge way.

But isn’t it also possible that this bad thing happened simply because it happened…not because it was a part of some huge plan?

Instead, say, “This stinks.”

  1. At least you have….

At least you have another child…. At least you had X number of years with him. At least you have …

I think the reason people say this is because they want the person who is hurting to focus on his or her blessings.

And though it’s certainly helpful to count your blessings, there’s also a time and place for grief. People need to grieve, and pointing out the positives in their situation does not help them grieve.

[Tweet “People need to grieve, and pointing out the positives in their situation does not help them grieve.”]

Having one child does not make the loss of another any easier to swallow. (It might serve as a distraction, but it doesn’t negate the loss of the other child).

A loss is a loss, so it’s better not to minimize that loss by bringing up the positives in the situation.

Instead say, “Can I pray for you right now?”

And then actually do it. Right then. Right there.

  1. Next time will be different (or God is going to fix this or something similar).

I can’t count the number of times people told me this. After our first miscarriage, they told me our next pregnancy would be different. It wasn’t. After our second miscarriage, they said it again. It wasn’t.

The truth is, we don’t know what the future holds, so it’s better not to pretend that we do.

[Tweet “We don’t know what the future holds, so it’s better not to pretend that we do.”]

Instead, say, “I’m going to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?” Or, “I’m running by Sonic. What kind of drink would you like?”  

People mean well when they say, “Let me know if I can do anything.” But most likely, people won’t take them up on their offer. Instead of offering general assistance, offer to do something specific.

  1. I know how you feel.

No, no, you don’t. Even if you have gone through something very similar, it’s not exactly the same because you are not the same person.

[Tweet “No two pains are exactly the same.”]

No two pains are exactly the same.

Instead, say, “There are no words.”

Because really, there aren’t. There are no words that will instantly fix their situation.

  1. God won’t ever give us more than we can handle.

This statement bothers me for two reasons.

First, is makes it sound like God is the one handing out the painful situations. God allows death, but I don’t think he “gives” it to us.

Secondly, I’ve never seen this idea in Scripture anywhere. In fact, I’ve seen many examples of the opposite.

I’ve seen God allowing really hard things into peoples’ lives so they will learn to trust in Him.

Instead, say NOTHING. Just be there.

What other things would you add to this list?

If you received this post by email, leave a comment here.

This post is part of Lindsey’s blog tour to celebrate her new Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten: How Biblical Heroes Rose Above Their Pain (and you can too).

To celebrate her book, she’s giving away a HUGE bundle of books! Leave a comment on this post to be entered to win. You can get more entries by commenting on other blogs in the tour as well. Get a full list of participating blogs here: www.lindseymbell.com/unbeaten-is-here-win-this-huge-bundle-of-books.

Unbeaten Cover

About Unbeaten:

Why does life have to be so hard? If you’ve ever asked this question, you’re not alone. Difficult times often leave Christians searching the Bible for answers to some of life’s most difficult questions.

Questions like:

Does God hear me when I pray?

Why isn’t He doing anything?

Does He even care?

In Unbeaten: How Biblical Heroes Rose Above Their Pain (and you can too), Lindsey Bell walks with readers through the stories of men and women in the Bible who went through difficult situations. In this 10-week Bible study and devotional, she addresses many of these questions and helps readers learn how they too can be unbeaten.

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About Lindsey Bell:

Lindsey Bell is the author of the Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten, and of the parenting devotional, Searching for Sanity. She’s a stay-at-home mother of two silly boys, a minister’s wife, an avid reader, and a lover of all things chocolate. Lindsey writes weekly at www.lindseymbell.com about faith, family, and learning to love the life she’s been given.

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Expecting the Unexpected at Christmas

 

Our guest post is from author/speaker Julie Sanders. Julie and I are Mentor Moms on The MOM Initiative team, and today Julie talks about the unexpected happenings that each Christmas brings to all of us, starting with Mary, the mother of Jesus. In my Bible study Face-to-Face with Elizabeth and Mary, I talk about how Elizabeth, who was expectant with John the Baptist, mentored Mary through those first three months after her visit from the angel Gabriel telling her she would be the mother of Jesus.

I also know how difficult this season can be for women with an expectation of being mothers this Christmas season. In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, my daughter Kim describes the worse Christmas of her life when all three of her siblings had children and she was still struggling with infertility. She had plans and expectations of being a mother that Christmas, but her arms were empty. Little did she know that the New Year would bring her two babies within nine months!

If you’re going to be around friends or family who are struggling with infertility and worried you might say the wrong thing or don’t know what to say, the blog post I wrote during National Infertility week will help you: “Hug an Infertile Couple This Week.”

If you’re the infertile couple, dreading the holidays, the post 10 Ways to Survive the Holidays When You’re Infertile is for you.

“Mary” by Julie Sanders

Every heart is Expectant 400-1

Her betrothal was still fresh when her expectations dissolved in the light of the angel’s arrival. To be old enough to be promised was to be mature enough to bear a child. Before Mary even had time to adjust to changes in her own body or warm up to the name “Joseph,” everything she anticipated fell away. There would be no joyous gathering of girlhood friends, envious of her new status. None of the other girls wanted to swell with a child before uniting with a husband.

[Tweet “When what we expect falls apart, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. “]

When what we expect falls apart, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. At the first sign of a change, Mary was troubled and frightened. She had questions. Before she had time to learn the physical ways of womanhood or enjoy intimacy with a man, her body would be taken over for purposes bigger than she could conceive.

“And the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. ‘”(Luke 1:30)

No experience has the power to stir a woman’s hopes like that of becoming a mother. Whether she enters in through adoption, infertility, or traditional pregnancy, a mother learns to sacrifice her expectations for the gift of raising a child. Instead of being paralyzed by the sudden uncertainty motherhood brings, confidence can be found in knowing, “There will never be a time when our children are out of God’s sight or apart from His presence,” (from EXPECTANT, Calling the Shots). Every journey is unique, but every heart is expectant.

[Tweet “No one anticipates interruptions like job loss or a life lost. “]

Most of us have plans for this Christmas season. No one anticipates interruptions like job loss or a life lost. Such unexpected events never appear on our wish list. We rarely address the severity of suffering in our Advent readings. But in the erasing of our expectations and the dissolving of our decisions comes God’s opportunities to display His grand plan. He takes our hand, leading us to unwelcoming inns, simple stable accommodations, and to exile in Egypt. Our Father lets us glimpse the greater glory found when life encircles the Prince of Peace.

[Tweet “Motherhood has a way of causing our expectations to fall away”]

Motherhood has a way of causing our expectations to fall away. From the moment young Mary received her angelic message, nothing unfolded as she imagined, but she found the greater glory in God’s greater plan. “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19)

Let’s agree that this Christmas will probably not be according to our plans–hold loosely to your expectations. Let’s look for God’s greater glory with hearts that are expectant.

Father God,

I want to treasure Your actions in my life. I want to glimpse the glory of being part of Your story. Help me to hold to my expectations loosely and to welcome your plans for me.

 Cropped Courtyard

 

Julie lives where tea is sweet and grits are cheesy. She and her husband of 25 years have two nearly grown kids. EXPECTANT: 40 Devotions for New and Expectant Moms was born when God brought a group of young couples into their lives, just as they began to long to grow their families. Julie loves to teach God’s word to women in her hometown and across the globe; she is passionate about fighting human trafficking and helping women of all tribes and tongues find God’s peace for life. Check out Julie’s blog home Come Have a Peace  (www.juliesanders.org) and Marriage Mondays to find reasons for peace and information about her ministry.

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EXPECTANT is available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

Follow Julie at:

Facebook: with One Minute4MOM

Twitter: @JulieSanders_

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Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk by Lindsey Bell

Our guest blogger today is author and speaker Lindsey Bell. Lindsey and I are mentor moms for The M.O.M. Initiative and we met for the first time when we both spoke at the Better Together Conference in Jacksonville, Florida. Lindsey and I have a heart for women struggling with infertility. She shares about her miscarriages and secondary infertility, as our daughter Shannon also shares in my book Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? I know you will be blessed with Lindsey’s post today as she encourages us to be authentic in all circumstances.

Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk

By Lindsey Bell

3 Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk

It’s so easy to be fake, to put on a smiling face when someone asks how you’re doing and to answer back, “I’m doing good. How about you?”

It’s tempting to pretend you’ve got it all together…especially when everyone around you seems to have it all together too. You certainly don’t want to be “that girl” who always has issues.

I know because I’ve been that girl. I’ve been the one who seems to be struggling all the time. I’ve been the girl whose faith is ugly, who is dealing with doubts and questions I don’t want to admit aloud.

One thing I learned during those years, though, is that sometimes authenticity is God’s tool to heal your heart. It certainly was for me.

[Tweet “Sometimes authenticity is God’s tool to heal your heart”]

 My “Authentic” Story

About four years ago, my husband and I began battling secondary infertility.

In 2010, we lost our first child to miscarriage. Then followed miscarriage #2, #3, and #4.

I know for some, especially if you’ve never had a miscarriage or didn’t really struggle with yours, miscarriages might not seem like that big of a deal. But to me, each loss stabbed my heart just a little bit deeper.

Each loss also led me to question God’s love for me. I knew he was capable of fixing whatever was causing our miscarriages, but for whatever reason, he chose not to.

For a while, I tried to hide my brokenness. I assumed (mistakenly) that if I didn’t show how broken I felt, it would go away.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that brokenness doesn’t go away. Broken things don’t get fixed unless you let Someone put them back together again.

It was only when I started sharing about how hurt I was that God began healing my heart and putting me back together again. He used the people around me to shower me with His love…to remind me he did still love me, he was still with me, and he had heard every single prayer I uttered to him.

God used my authenticity to bring healing, and I believe he wants to do the same for many other women as well.

The problem is, we’re afraid to be authentic. We’re afraid of being judged, rejected, or abandoned.

I won’t deny the risk. Authenticity is risky…but it’s also worth it.

Three Reasons Authenticity is Worth the Risk:

 

1. Authenticity opens the door to real relationships.

C.S. Lewis said that “friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another:

What! You too?’”

How many times have you struggled with a problem and thought you were the only one? But then, when you finally got the courage to share your issue, you realized many other women had been there too.

Real relationships are only possible when both people are willing to be real with one another…real about their struggles, their successes, and their lives.

2. Authenticity opens the door to real healing.

[Tweet “Authenticity opens the door to real healing. “]

Jennifer Rothschild told a story in her book God is Just Not Fair about a speaker who carried a glass of water with her onto the platform as she spoke. This woman held the glass of water throughout the entire presentation.

At first, holding the glass was easy. After all, it was just a glass of water.

But as the class wore on, everyone in the audience could tell the woman’s arms were getting tired. That glass of water—that didn’t weigh much—felt like it weighed a ton because of how long she held it.

You and I often carry around our own glasses of water…our own worries, fears, insecurities, or problems. We don’t want anyone to know what we’re carrying so we pretend it doesn’t exist.

The problem, though, is that it does exist, and it’s getting heavier the longer we carry it alone. Our sisters in Christ can’t help us carry our glasses if they don’t know about them. Likewise, God can’t carry our glasses if we’re not willing to let him have them.

3. Authenticity opens the door to God’s glory shining through us.

I love this quote by Kaci Calvaresi:

“God can’t use a redemptive story that you’re not willing to tell.”

God wants to use our stories to show his glory, but He can only use them if we will share them.

 [Tweet “God wants to use our stories to show his glory, but He can only use them if we will share them.”]

Authenticity is scary at times. It’s risky. But it’s also worth it!

Let’s talk: why do you think it’s so hard to be authentic with one another? Leave a comment and let us know your thoughts . . .

*photo courtesy: Foreman Photography

About Lindsey Bell:

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a parenting devotional designed for busy moms. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:

Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com

Her website: www.lindseymbell.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell

Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01

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Why We’re Better Together

Closing Keynote at Better Together Conferee

Closing Keynote at Better Together Conference

I’m back! I know that you have enjoyed our guest bloggers while I was on the road speaking. Stephanie Shott started out our guest month with telling us about her new book The Making of a Mom. Lillian Penner inspired all Grandparents to pray for their grandchildren on National Grandparents Day in Calling All Grandparents. Debbie Alsdorf’s Challenge in “90 Days to a Physical Renewal” broke all records on my website. Many of you told me how Cindi McManimen’s post on “When God’s Gift Is No” was just what you needed to hear. A big Thank You to these godly women who shared their experiences and God’s faithfulness with you.

The M.O.M. Initiative Better Together Conference

Today, I wanted to share with you some of the highlights of my trip to Florida to speak at The M.O.M. Initiative Better Together Conference. If you’ve been following me, you know that I am on the Mentor Mom team for this great ministry that focuses on moms mentoring moms, one mom at a time. Our first conference was July 31-August 2 in Jacksonville, Florida. I had the honor of presenting four workshops and giving the closing keynote talk.

Twenty other author/speakers came with one purpose—to equip, encourage, and engage other moms in their walk as a mom and in their relationship with Jesus. The speakers donated their time and covered their own travel costs—which gives you a window into the kind of serving ministry this is and how passionately The M.O.M. Initiative team feel about the missional ministry of mentoring moms.

Women Are Lonely

The theme of the conference was Better Together, and many of us used Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12 in our messages because it says so succinctly God’s plan for all of us while here on earth—whatever our role—we’re not to be Lone Ranger Christians. I love the Message version of this Scripture passage:

It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there’s no one to help, tough!

By yourself you’re unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.

Women are lonely today. The common reason women say they join the Woman to Woman Mentoring Ministry is because they are lonely and they want to meet another Christian woman. They would rather be matched in a mentoring relationship with a Christian stranger then continue trying to make it on their own.

[Tweet “There are lonely women everywhere—even in the church.”]

There are lonely women everywhere—even in the church.Many women who shared their story in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? said they felt the loneliest at church. When I was a single working mom, I felt isolated and lonely. Doesn’t that just break your heart? It does mine.

What Can We Do About Loneliness?

Last week, the news carried a story of a young mom of a 9-month old and 6-year old in Oregon who committed suicide and her body was found in a remote wooded area where she went to die. I don’t know the circumstances that led her to this dark place where she felt no hope, no help, and no future, but I can only imagine how lonely she must have felt in her pain and anguish. Maybe others noticed and did reach out to help her ease her burden . . . but maybe they didn’t.

[Tweet “If you are that lonely, distraught, and depressed woman, I beg you to get help. “]

If you are that lonely, distraught, and depressed woman, I beg you to get help. Seek out a Christian counselor who will assure you of God’s love and plan and purpose for your life. Join groups of other women at your stage of life. If you have pre-school children, MOPS is a para-church organization with moms who have felt just like you do. It so helps to know you are not alone. Or maybe your church has a group for moms of all seasons. For sure, there is a Women’s Bible study—go! You will find a group of women seeking to apply God’s Word to their life and they can help you find answers in the Bible. Of course, if there is a Mentoring Ministry at your church, join it and seek out a mentor who will pray for you and help you through this tough time.

[Tweet “The first step to healing is helping.”]

I always say the first step to healing is helping. So get involved by serving in a ministry or community or your children’s school. There you will meet other women to fellowship and serve with and relationships will develop.

If you are a woman who has had some “been-there-done-that” experiences in your life and you notice women around you and in your church who are displaying signs of loneliness, befriend them and encourage them to become involved in women’s ministry at your church. Maybe you’ll start a Mentoring Moms group and Stephanie Shott’s new book The Making of a Mom could help you in that endeavor.

It’s time that we Christian women step out, speak out, and reach out to our fellow sisters-in-Christ and those who don’t yet know Jesus as their Savior. You never know when God might be using you to save a life—both here on earth and for eternity.

[Tweet “Because remember that we are always—Better Together!”]

Because remember that we are always—Better Together!

Here are some pictures from The M.O.M. Initiative Better Together Conference and I hope to see many of you at the next one. Stay tuned for when and where!

Just arrived at Cracker Barrell

Some team members meeting for the first time while rocking together on the porch at Cracker Barrel

Ready for Opening Night

Gathering in the hotel lobby…ready for first night!

 

Kicking Up Our Heals Ready for the First Session

Kicking Up Our Heels Ready for the First Session

cupcake tree

Yummy cupcake tower

 

Teaching a workshop on Balancing Life and Ministry

Teaching a workshop on Balancing Life and Ministry

Introducing the speaking team

Introducing the speaking team

Closing Q&A

Closing Q&A

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When God’s Gift is “No”

Our guest blogger today is a dear friend and fellow author and speaker from San Diego, California, Cindi McMenamin. Cindi and I met at Mt Hermon Writer’s Conference the year she got her first book contract with Harvest House and we’ve remained encouragers and supporters of each others careers ever since. She interviewed me for stories in several of her books, and the secondary infertility story she shares below is in my book Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?

I know you are going to enjoy what she shares from her new book–

When God Sees Your Tears by Cindi McMenamin

When God Sees Your Tears by Cindi McMenamin

Do you know what it’s like to ask God for something and to keep receiving a “no”?

I do. And it hurts. But I’ve learned through the years that God’s “no” is often a gift greater than what I had originally asked for.

Whether I was trying to get a book published, trying to have a child, or trying to pry open a door of opportunity, every time I received a “no,” I later learned what God was really saying was “Wait, I have something far better for you than you thought to ask for.” Yet all I could see in front of me was a rejection letter. More waiting. Another closed door. Discouragement.

God’s Gift to Hannah was “No.”

Hannah, a woman we read about in the Old Testament, knew that discouragement, too. She longed to have a baby. Yet we find twice in the first few lines of her story that the reason for Hannah’s infertility was “because the Lord had closed her womb” (1 Samuel 1:5-6).

Ouch! Now, I would feel so much better if that sentence about Hannah read, “because she was unable to bear children.” But that verse specifically tells us that the Lord was the One withholding from Hannah the one thing she wanted most in life.

We’d like to think God is behind only the blessings we receive in life and, therefore, we have a hard time wrapping our minds around the possibility that God would allow—or even arrange—certain difficulties to come our way. Yet, that is one of the primary ways He—

  • awakens our need for Him,
  • grows our dependence on Him,
  • shapes our character,
  • and draws us closer to Him.

In Hannah’s case, she became so desperate to have a son that she poured out her heart to God in prayer, promising to give her son back to God if He would finally give her a child. It was then, after Hannah came to that place of complete surrender, that we read God’s gracious, yet timely, response: “And the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son…” (1 Samuel 1:19-20).

Sometimes “No” means Wait

[Tweet “Sometimes “No” means Wait”]

Hannah got her long-awaited son, but years later than she had anticipated. The apparent “no” from God was really “wait.” And the wait turned out to be the best blessing of all. Hannah didn’t have just any baby. She had a son named Samuel who became one of Israel’s greatest prophets and priests. He anointed Israel’s first two kings and helped turn the nation’s heart back toward God. Wow! Hannah simply asked God for a baby. But God wanted to give her—and a nation—so much more than she asked. So He waited and did it in His timing, not hers.

Scripture tells us that God can do “all things. No plan of (His) can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). Scripture also tells us that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17 NIV). So if every gift is from God, and you’re praying for a “gift” and it’s not arriving, God is the One who is deciding to withhold that gift. And I have learned that some of God’s “gifts” are the very things He decides to withhold.

 [Tweet “some of God’s “gifts” are the very things He decides to withhold. “]

Sometimes “No” is a gift from God

God’s “gifts” sometimes take the form of difficulties, losses, frustrations, and outright pain. We don’t originally see them as gifts, but more like disappointments, aggravations, or even rejection. But they are gifts, nonetheless, that are given to us to grow us to a new level in our spiritual life or to prepare us for something better that God has in store for us; or perhaps to even help us see something extraordinary about God that we couldn’t see before.

I remember not wanting to accept one of the “gifts” God was giving me, primarily because I saw it as His withholding, not as His giving. I struggled with not being able to have a second child (what doctors now refer to as secondary infertility). It was a struggle because I remember “claiming” Psalm 84:11 as my promise that I would have another child: “No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly (NASB).”

“Surely another baby is a good thing, God,” I prayed. “Certainly You will not withhold.” And yet, God did. Apparently, what God considered a “good thing” in my life was not birthing a second child, but birthing a writing and speaking ministry, instead. Although, at the time, I felt that God was withholding something from me, I can today see His withholding as a “gift” in terms of a different life direction that He had for me.

Through the years, I’ve seen repeatedly that God’s idea of a good thing—and ultimately what’s best for me in my faith walk with Him—may be completely different than mine. Although my opinion has often differed from God’s in His early stages of withholding something, I have learned not to question the wisdom and actions of an all-knowing, all-loving God who is much more capable of managing my life than I am.

I do not have a second child today because the Lord had closed my womb. But I could also say, “I am living the dream God has placed on my heart through my writing and speaking because the Lord had closed my womb.”

Because the Lord had . . .

I could give you a lengthy list of other “gifts” that I have received at God’s hand, but didn’t originally see as gifts because they all included the phrase because the Lord had…

           I didn’t marry Mike because the Lord had changed his heart.

           I lost a good friend, because the Lord had taken her away.

           I went through a season of loss, because the Lord had shut the door.

There are other ways of looking at those same “gifts” (or withholdings):

          I married Hugh because the Lord had changed Mike’s heart.

          I was spared further hurt, because the Lord had taken her away.

          I can minister to women today because the Lord had shut that door.

What because the Lord had phrases have affected your life and caused your tears to flow? Are you a woman who is where she is today . . .

                       because the Lord had closed that door?

                        because the Lord had changed his heart?

                        because the Lord let you get cancer?

                        because the Lord had not healed her?

Oh, my friend, God has His reasons for why He has allowed or prevented something from happening in your life. And it’s not because He wanted to punish you or make your life miserable. It’s not because He didn’t love you or didn’t care about you or didn’t hear your prayers. It’s very possible that He wants to bless you from another angle. And it’s very possible He wants you to realize that the one thing you need the most—your one missing piece—is Him.

 

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and award-winning writer who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the best-selling author of When Women Walk Alone(more than 120,000 copies sold) and a dozen other books including When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, and her newest release, When God Sees Your Tears, upon which this article is based. For more resources to strengthen your soul, marriage, and relationships with God and others, see her website: www.strengthforthesoul.com.

View More: http://chelseamariephoto.pass.us/cindi

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Adoption According to God’s Plan

Mother’s Day is next weekend—a joyous day for mothers with children and a torturous heartbreaking day for “mommies-in-waiting.” In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, my daughter Kim vulnerably shares the pain of being childless on Mother’s Day and then the amazing blessing of becoming an adoptive mommy to my precious grandson, Brandon.

Our guest blogger today is my dear friend and fellow The M.O.M. Initiative mentor mom, Lori Wildenberg. Lori and her husband, like my daughter and her husband and so many couples who share their story in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?—had their plan of how they would become a family. In every case, the couple found peace in surrendering to God’s plan.

Lori and Tom’s Story

Our Plan

As newlyweds, my husband and I had a vision—we discussed and agreed:

• Four kids. Check.
• Three through birth. Check.
• The fourth through adoption. Check.

We had a lot of love to share. We would have three kids and complete our family with an adopted child. We would be great parents so we could provide a nice home for a child that needed one.

This was a good, solid, even honorable plan. Clearly, God would bless this and be on board with our plan.

Yes, adopt a fourth child. Perfect.

Why Isn’t Our Plan Working?

We (by we, I mean me) became consumed with the goal of conceiving. I was hooked on doctor visits; placing all my hope in the medical field. Nothing was going to stop me from achieving my goal.

Every month, for thirty-six months, I vacillated between determined and disappointed. Hopeful and heartbroken.

Finally, after three years, Tom and I decided it was time to ask God about His plan for our family.

Together, we realized our hope had been misplaced.

Following God’s Plan

God sweetly directed us to stop. Stop trying. Stop the doctor visits. Stop looking to medicine. Start looking to Him. He is the One who creates families.

In His great goodness, He had already given us a heart for adoption. And…the three years of infertility had given us perspective.

Had we gone into adoption thinking we were going to do some awesome, sacrificial thing to help a child, our love might have been conditional.

What if the adopted child didn’t appreciate our sacrifice and helping hand?

In His wisdom, the Lord flipped our emotions and thoughts inside out.

We traveled to Bogota, Colombia to receive our precious bundle from God. Holding her, I knew I wanted my daughter more than she needed me.

My motivation was purely selfish.tom with courtney1

 

God did a great thing by bringing the three of us together. Then He turned our plan upside down.
• First through adoption. Check
• Three through birth. Check.
• Four kids. Check.

No medical involvement only supernatural intervention. (The only planned stork arrival was number one!)

Thankfully, His ways are not our ways.

What Not to Say to An Adopting Couple

Recently, Janet did a blog on 10 Things Not to Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility. Here is my list of don’ts regarding couples who are adopting.

Don’t Say:

  • “Once you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.”
  • “What do you know about the child’s real parents?”
  • “How much did you spend?”
  • “Will you be able to love this child as much as your biological kids?”
  • Most questions fall into the none-of-your-business category. The goal of adoption isn’t to get pregnant, it’s to have a child. By the way, an adoptive parent is a real parent.

Do Say: “Congratulations. I am so happy for you.”

And as for love…love multiplies, it endures, it is forever.

Lori Wildenberg, mom of four, wife to Tom, and a licensed parent and family educator, is the co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting. Lori is passionate about coming alongside parents to encourage, empower, and support. Her straightforward, realistic approach mixed with transparency, warmth, and gentle humor, engages her audience, and assists moms and dads in their quest to parent well. Lori has co-authored three parenting books—Raising Little Kids with Big Love and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love scheduled to release May 2014. To schedule Lori for one of your events go to www.loriwildenberg.com or www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com.

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Hug An Infertile Couple This Week

 

Dear-God-Why-Cant-I-Have-a-Baby11-200x300

You may not have April 20-26 marked on your calendar as National Infertility Awareness Week, but 1 in 6 couples check their calendar frequently to see if they’re pregnant or how long it’s been since they filed adoption papers or when will the infertility tests be back . . .

An Ignored Group

With millions of couples experiencing infertility, a large percentage of the population feel shunned. Yet, you probably know someone dealing with infertility in your neighborhood, your church, your family, your friends, your co-workers . . .Maybe it’s you struggling to become a mommy or experiencing secondary infertility and know what it’s like to feel invisible in a group.

Many of the “mommies-in-waiting” sharing their stories in my book, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey expressed the sorrowful complaint that they felt ignored by friends and family, even in the church–especially in the church.

Often we ignore the infertile couple because we don’t know what to say to them. Or the infertile couple doesn’t talk about their painful situation because people say hurtful things.

People Say The Darnedest Things!

Your loved ones will say all the wrong things. All of us who have gone through infertility agree on this point.—Laurie, A Mommy-in-Waiting

Dear God,

People keep asking when we’re going to start having children, as if I’m making a conscious decision not to! I try shrugging it off with an answer that we probably will “someday.” Inside, I’m dying. Why are people so insensitive and why do they feel it’s ok to ask something so personal? Everyone seems to think they’re a doctor and they know the answer to my infertility. Then the advice . . . the number one thing everyone seems to say is, “Oh, you just need to relax.” Or “You’re young; you’ve got plenty of time.” UGH!!! Help, God, they’re killing me!

Wounded by Words, Kim

Kim is my precious daughter whose struggle with the heartache of infertility was often intensified by well-meaning—yet wounding—words. Many infertile couples’ stories mention how thoughtless and hurtful people’s comments and advice can be. Debbie wrote, “I’ve experienced people in the church say some of the worst things ever to me with every good intention. Probably one of the most insensitive and painful is, ‘Maybe God never meant for you to have children.’”

You can be sure thoughtless, hurtful comments aren’t from God, who instructs: “Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim” (Proverbs 15:4 MSG).

10 Things Not To Say or Do To Someone Experiencing Infertility

I believe in the front of every church directory there should be a list of things that you shouldn’t say to people during times of grief, just like emergency preparedness in the front of the phone book.—Debbie, A Mommy-in-Waiting

Most people don’t mean to be hurtful: they innately want to say and do the right thing. They offer a cliché or something that minimizes your situation or feels patronizing because they’re uncomfortable being around someone suffering. Here are ten helpful tips from Mommies-In-Waiting:

DON’T…                                                                               DO…

1. Talk about people you know with infertility.                    1. Let me talk about mine and listen

2. Tell me God is in control, or has a plan.                            2. Show me God’s love.

3. Tell me to pray harder.                                                      3. Pray for and with me.

4. Pity or patronize me.                                                          4. Show compassion.

5. Avoid me. It makes me feel rejected, different.                5. Keep normal contact with me.

6. Tell others, unless you have asked permission.                 6. Honor my privacy.

7. Offer unsolicited advice or suggestions.                            7. Support my choices.

8. Resent how my infertility affects you.                               8. Remember, this is about me.

9. Ask personal questions or give advice.                              9. Curtail curiosity.

10. Assume it’s a “female” problem.                                     10. Respect it’s personal.

Suggested Responses for the Infertile Couple

We will speak the truth in love.Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)

Following are frequent unwelcome comments and suggested responses. Non-satirical humor often defrays uncomfortable situations. Your goal isn’t to offend or embarrass the person. The responses shouldn’t be said sarcastically, defensively, or angrily. Use this as an opportunity to be a good witness:

1. “When are you two going to start a family?”

Response: What makes you think we’re not trying?

2. “You just need to relax, take it easy, rest more, or take a vacation.”

Response: Then I might have two problems—no baby and no job!

3. “You aren’t getting any younger!”

Response: Are you fishing for an invitation to my next birthday party?

4. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”

Response: Time is the one thing we have too much of now.

5. “You should take________”—they name some food, herb, or drug.

Response: I’ll check with my doctor about that.

6. “You should try_______”—they suggest some sexual position.

Response: You mean we’re supposed to have sex?

7. “We need grandchildren.”

Response: We need to be parents first.

8. “There must be some hidden sin in your life.”

Response: Jesus forgave my sins when I became a Christian.

9. “You aren’t praying hard enough.”

Response: Are you offering to pray for us?

10. “If God wanted you to have children, you would.”

Response: Ouch! That hurts.

Remember: Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose (Proverbs 18:21 MSG).

*Some excerpts from Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey

Kim's family 2014Daughter Kim’s family today! Thank you Lord for these 3 precious blessings

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