Ways to Survive a Husband’s Lay Off! By Mary Aucoin Kaarto

I wrote my latest book Dear God, He’s Home: A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at Home Man! to help wives with husbands home for any reason—disability, illness, unemployment, retirement, reintegration from military deployment—whatever has caused hubby to be home 24/7.

Our guest on Monday Morning Blog is fellow author Mary Kaarto who wrote a book to help men and women who are out of work. Today’s article speaks to wives with laid off husbands. Mary and I share the same passion to help marriages thrive and survive during the transition of having a stay-at-home man!

 HELP for the LAID OFF

One day you’re out getting your nails done and arguing with Little Sally over which backpack to choose for the new school year, blissfully unaware of how blessed you are that this may be the biggest problem you have. Then your husband drags through the door with a look like you’ve never seen before.

You instinctively know something is wrong, because he heads straight to wherever he goes to hide—the bedroom, his home office, the backyard . . . . Ecclesiastes 3:7 reminds us there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Only you know whether it’s best to leave him alone for a while – or immediately go find him to ask what is wrong.

For Better or Worse . . .

Most traditional marriage vows include “for better or worse, for richer or poorer” and layoffs provide a challenging – but phenomenal – opportunity for couples to live up to their vows. To grow closer to God and each as the wife supports her husband. Wives can, and should, consider helping their husbands through this gauntlet of pain that seems like it will never end.

Ways to Help a Laid Off Husband

We’re all familiar with the boring drills on airplanes before take-offs, when the airline’s employees remind us to put our oxygen masks on first before helping others, during an emergency. In a similar fashion, it’s important that wives don’t lose sight of their own needs during this time. We cannot take care of our husbands, if we don’t take care of ourselves as well.

  • If you’re not already active in a women’s Bible study class or small group, please consider joining one. We women are emotional creatures, genetically wired and created by God to talk ninety-miles-a-minute at any given time! Women NEED to express their thoughts and feelings pretty much all the time, but most husbands cannot handle hearing them at length, especially during a layoff. The poor guys need a break, so consider venting to your family and friends right now.
  • One of the highest priorities wives have is to pray for their husbands on a daily basis, in good times and bad. If possible, find a good devotional book for couples to share together each evening after supper and the kids are in bed. Having a regular quiet time together allows couples the security of a routine during a shaky time, and it gives them some semblance of normalcy and something to look forward to at the end of the day.
  • Years ago, there was a popular country & western song by Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings, which addressed the importance of “getting back to the basics of love.” Remember what’s most important in life: faith, family, and friends. It’s not about buying things you can’t afford with money you don’t really have so you can keep up with the Jones. Sadly, in today’s economic climate, the Jones may be headed to bankruptcy court.
  • When you have time, make an itemized list of your expenses – including upcoming costs for getting kids back to school, Christmas and birthdays – and see if you can reduce or eliminate them all together. Depending on the age of your children, they may be old enough to understand and learn to be happy with one special gift, rather than many, to open this year. I know, as a mother, this will be very hard to do, but your family’s survival depends on this.
  • Show your husband that you’re willing to cut back as much as possible without throwing a fit; it will help lift unnecessary burdens from his shoulders. I’d like to add that this layoff will not kill your family or your kids; it will bring you closer together and your kids will learn some very valuable lessons like … the value of a dollar, money doesn’t grow on trees, how to create and stick to a budget, etc.

All He Needs Is A Little Respect

Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. – Proverbs 25:11

  • Many, if not most, men say the number one need from their wives is respect. By speaking highly of your husband – especially to him and in front of others (but within his earshot) – you help boost his self-esteem when he needs it most and remind him of your love. Men have fragile egos; don’t hurt them unnecessarily by belittling, especially when the world’s already beating them to a pulp.
  • Keeping the lines of communication open is important for both husbands and wives, but it’s common for men to shut down when they’re in pain. Pastoral counseling may prove helpful, whether receiving it together as a couple or on an individual basis. Going before God, our wisest Counselor and the best Comforter we could ever have, is always the best idea.
  • Physical affection and loving gestures, maintaining direct eye contact, giving your undivided attention whenever possible.
  • Continue with your family’s normal life rhythms.
  • Most husbands need sexual intimacy like women need to talk, so creating, and occasionally initiating, opportunities for making love may be a good idea. Pray about this, because your husband may be under such pressure that he’s unable to perform sexually and you don’t want him to perceive this as another “failure.”

Although I learned to thrive, and not just survive, during my own two layoffs, I did so as a single mother. From these difficult-but-doable life experiences, I learned that being laid off can be, and often is, one of the best things that can ever happen to someone.

It all depends on their response. Will they turn to, trust, and follow God, their Divine Employer – or will they continue to rely on their own human strength and wisdom? As one of my favorite pastors and authors, Dr. Charles Stanley, always says, “Trust and obey God, and leave all the consequences to Him.”

My web site, www.marykaarto.com, includes a “10 Ways to Support Your Husband During a Layoff” free handout, among other information.

My free devotionals blog is found at www.facebook.com/helpforthelaidoff.

HELP for the LAID OFF is available at bookstores, including Amazon and all online web sites.

About the Author

 Mary Kaarto2

Mary Aucoin Kaarto is a long-time follower of Jesus Christ, happily remarried after nearly 20 years as a contented Christian single, devoted mother, and “Nammi” to two precious grandkids. She is also the author of HELP for the LAID OFF, a Christ-centered book about trusting God during a layoff. In her former life, Mary covered the oil & gas and healthcare industries in addition to writing numerous freelance articles for the Houston Chronicle and other various publications.

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Dear God, He’s Home!

Today, I’m doing the happy dance because tomorrow, March 5, my book Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man releases.This book is the third in the “Dear God” series. The first two are: Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey and Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey. I’ve traveled these three journeys, and my hope is to mentor, bless, and encourage other women who are on the journey now.

Last week, I received the author’s copies of Dear God, He’s Home! and holding your new “baby” never gets old. Today’s blog is part of a two-part post that will introduce you to the heart of the book. Next Monday you will hear from my stay-at-home man.

Photo: Look what was waiting for me when we got home tonight! Another baby birthed LOL:)

The wife of a stay-at-home man is going to talk to God—a lot!

Maybe she’ll write a cathartic letter in her journal: Dear God,. . . . Another wife might begin her pleading or thankful prayers with “Dear God,”. . . . Still other wives in times of desperation or frustration cry out, “Dear God, HE’S HOME!”

The various times my husband has been a “Stay-at-Home Man,” I regularly expressed each of those “Dear Gods,” as do the wives who submitted stories for my book Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man. So if you have a stay-at-home man and he’s driving you crazy, don’t feel guilty if you haven’t always been joyous about this new closeness in your marriage relationship. And don’t feel alone. When I sent out a request for stories of women with a husband home due to retirement, illness, disability, out of work, home office, the military . . . whatever reason…the stories flowed into my inbox and my ears.

With unemployment at an all-time high, baby boomers reaching retirement age by the droves, military pulling out of many areas and returning home, businesses down-sizing or setting up virtual offices in homes, chances are pretty good you either are or know a woman with a stay-at-home man.

Whenever I mention the title of my book, wives smirk with raised eyebrows and knowingly remark, “Boy, do I have a story for you!” “I need this book.” “I know someone who could use this book.” Or “I’m going to need this book soon, write fast!”

Myriad emotions and reactions erupt from both spouses when an otherwise out-of-the-home-every-day husband is suddenly home all day—every day. Many wives have their own label for this occurrence. In Honey, I’m Home for Good!, Mary Ann Cook calls it spouse-in-the-house syndrome.” Then there’s retired-husband syndrome” or military reintegration syndrome.

Every couple’s response to their unique syndrome evolves from how they’ve dealt with previous transitions in their relationship. Couples who stumbled and fumbled without finding workable resolutions in the past, will probably stumble and fumble through this new situation too. However, couples who have successfully developed and implemented coping techniques may be better equipped to adjust to a full time “stay-at-home man.” Even so, unexpected issues can blindside both spouses.

There’s no age qualifier for a husband suddenly being home 24/7. Sometimes it comes as a shock and other times it’s the natural progression of expected retirement or return from deployment. But even when we know it’s coming, the reality of a hubby being home full-time can still be shocking and disarming. A woman recently wrote me:

My dad has just announced that he’ll be retiring the end of March, so I’m excited to read your book and send it along to my mom afterwards. We didn’t handle his retirement from the Marine Corps so well 20 years ago. I was just laughing about it with him on the phone today, but he has better laid plans to transition out this time around.

Planning is essential, if you have that luxury. Each time my husband has been home, it’s always been a surprise and no time to plan. It hit us both hard and we struggled through adapting to the transitions and changes we each experienced.

For Better or For Worse but Not For Lunch

There’s a universal frustration expressed by wives of stay-at-home husbands: He’s invading “my space” and my work load is increasing while his is decreasing. The prospect of fixing lunch every day can push a wife over the top.  John expresses the lament of many wives:

When I retired from the Navy (and was a stay at home retiree) my wife (after a few weeks) said, “I promised for better or worse, but I didn’t promise lunch every day. Go out and get another job. So I did…John

John J. Cline

 John

Not every husband can go out and get another job, at least not right away. Instead of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, we wives need to put into perspective issues like lunch or helping with household duties and discuss with our husbands in the same way we would discuss a major decision or planning a trip—talk it out.

Most husbands were used to eating lunch somewhere —maybe driving up to a takeout window, or sitting in a restaurant and ordering, or going to the lunchroom and eating the lunch we packed. They don’t know how to change that pattern unless we help redirect them to making their own lunches now or going out with the guys. One husband, who went from working in an office to working out of the home, still gets in his car and drives to lunch. It was what he always did and it feels right. I’m sure it feels right to his wife too!

Part 2 of Dear God, He’s Home! to be continued next Monday Morning. Have a great week. I’m going to have fun sharing my book with wives who I hope will be blessed and encouraged in this season of their lives.

We’re Running a Special for the Month of March

At our website store, you can purchase Dear God, He’s Home!  personalized and signed for only $9.99 (regular price $14.99) for the month of March.

If you would like to read the first two chapters go to this snippet.

Next week I’ll have a book trailer to share with you.

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