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Die to Yourself to Live

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Die to Live

If you’re a Christian feeling stressed or overwhelmed, could it be that you are trying to hold onto some of your old ways of life while putting on your new life in Christ? That will never work. “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT).

In March of 2010, I wrote a blog post about what it means as a Christian to die to self. This was the highest read blog for 2013! Almost daily, someone clicks on that post, and just last week, I received a new comment on it. That tells me many are interested in learning more about this subject. God has been prompting me to expand on my original post, so here goes, and I would love it if you shared your comments for others to read.

You Want to Do What?

I was surprised at my husband’s shocked reaction to my request; but then I’d had time to think and pray about it…

I became a believer at the age of twelve, but by my late twenties, I was a divorced single mom with a successful career. For the next seventeen years I backslid into a world dominated by a cultural shift away from Christian values. Then my hairdresser invited me to a Harvest Crusade led by Pastor Greg Laurie who challenged the crowd, “If you died tonight, are you ready?” No, I wasn’t ready!

I cried out to God that His prodigal daughter was returning and I promised to do whatever He asked and go wherever He led.

I didn’t know then the ramifications of my vow, but slowly my life began changing. I married a godly man, enrolled in seminary, started the Woman to Woman Mentoring Ministry at Saddleback Church, and founded About His Work Ministries. But something still didn’t feel right. I was about the Lord’s work, yet so much of me was at the core of everything I did: My ministry. My writing. My speaking. My team. My, my, my…

I opened my Bible and saw the problem and solution:

“We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives” (Romans 6:6 NLT).

“My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that” (Galatians 2:19-20, The Message).

Convicted, I asked my husband: “Will you pray over me to completely die to myself and only live for Christ.” I expected an enthusiastic, “Honey, that’s wonderful! Let’s do it now.” Instead, he asked, “Are you sure? You really need to pray about that.” I assured him I had prayed and I had to get me out of the way to be About His Work.

After praying about my request, Dave said if I was going to take such a significant spiritual step, he would take it with me. So we knelt, held hands, and prayed that God would help us die to our own agendas and live solely for Him. We didn’t expect suddenly to be selfless—it’s a life-long process, but we did immediately feel the significance of our commitment to the Lord and to each other.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

Several years ago, I heard a couple interviewed on the Oprah show. It was a second marriage for the husband and wife, and the wife raved about what a wonderful husband he was and that she never knew a man like this existed. Oprah asked the husband what he did to make his wife so happy and he said, “I died to myself.” Oprah didn’t understand what he meant, and questioned something to the effect of: What do you mean you’ve died? You look pretty alive to me! The wife explained: “As Christians, we’ve died to ourselves.” Oprah was still perplexed and confused. She shook her head and changed the subject.

My husband and I understand what this couple had discovered. Here’s what my husband wrote in the Epilogue to Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man.

So I leave you with these final words: Living with your spouse in stay-at-home man seasons of life, while different, is no more challenging than any other season of married life. You just have to constantly die to self as God teaches us, consider your spouse more important than yourself, and work as a team . . . I’m still learning this principle and have to die to myself many times daily.

Experiencing the Blessing of Dying to Self

Since Dave and I prayed to exchange our ways for God’s ways, God has seen us through challenging times and amazing times and we’re always careful to give Him the glory. Every morning I pray John 30:31 “He [Jesus] must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.”

If you too want to experience the blessings of dying to self, are you ready to—

  1. Completely surrender your will to God’s will?
  2. Seek God’s direction before making decisions and respond accordingly?
  3. Be in the minority—sometimes even among fellow Christians?
  4. Care about others more than your own well-being and comfort?
  5. Live counter-culture?
  6. Care more about what God thinks about you then what people think about you?

Don’t worry if you can’t answer yes to all the questions, this is a process. Choose one area to start with and ask God to help you see things through His eyes, to hurt where He hurts and love how He loves. Get ready—you’re on your way to dying to self so that you can live a new life in Christ!

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he [Jesus] said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? Mark 8:34-37

I would love to hear your comments on what it means to you to die to yourself to live.

Picture Credits

51: Daily Inspirational Bible Verse

Source:

Flickr

Title:

“51: Daily Inspirational Bible Verse“

Owner:

Tito & Eva Marie Balangue

License:

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
January 13, 2014
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Dear God, We Need Friends!

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Wedding Day

When Dave and I were newlyweds, we prayed and asked God to bless us with Christian friends. God answered beyond our wildest expectations and He continues blessing us with new friends. As one friend recently exclaimed, “You sure do have allot of friends!”

Ours was a second marriage for both of us. I had been single for 17 years, so my friends were mostly single and Dave, single only several years, had focused on work and his kids. We knew it would be important for us to have a social life comprised of couples who shared our values and beliefs, so we said an intentional prayer that God would bring those couples into our lives that He wanted us to have as friends.

Making Friends Outside the Box!

Dave and I met in a small group Bible study he was co-leading through Saddleback Church, where we were both members. This group was for people in the business world, but there were several couples in the group, so we had a head start on our quest for “couple friends.”

We were willing to look outside our church home of Saddleback Church, so when I heard about a course called Marriage Builders offered at another local church; we decided this was perfect preparation for our upcoming marriage. And you guessed it . . . we made another group of friends, had a great time socializing with the couples group at this church, and the pastor who taught Marriage Builders officiated at our wedding. A couple in the group we became very close with videotaped our ceremony.

While considering where to go on our honeymoon, I heard an advertisement on the radio for a cruise to the Caribbean with Calvary Pastors Chuck Smith, Jon Courson, and David Hawking. I thought: What a great way to spend our honeymoon on a cruise with hundreds of Christian couples. It didn’t matter what church they attended—we were all in the family of God. It was great fun being the “newlyweds” on the cruise and we came home with a new group of friends.

Come Join Our Small Group or We’ll Form One

Dave and I were intentional about asking other couples we met at the gym, at church, in the grocery store, friends of friends . . .  if they would like to join our small group Bible study. Soon the focus of the group changed from business-oriented to topical and everyone was welcome to join. As the group expanded, so did our circle of friends.

Several years into our marriage, Gary Smalley came to Saddleback with his Making Love Last Forever conference. Dave and I took a training to lead Making Love Last Forever couples groups and found ourselves leading a group of much younger couples, who had all been married longer than we had, but were newer in their faith. The couple who hosted that group in their home refers to Dave and me as, “The most influential couple in their faith journey.” That’s humbling.

We’re Moving—Opportunity for New Friends

We bought a “writing” cabin in the mountains and immediately started making new friends, even though we were “weekenders.” We attended the local church, invited neighbors to walk, come over for dinner, play games . . .  and soon people were saying I should run for mayor because I knew so many people.

Then two years ago, we made the major move from California to the mountains of Idaho where we knew no one except our daughter’s family, who live over an hour away. I wondered how we would make new friends, but I didn’t wonder for long. Again, we joined the local community church where the members embraced and welcomed us. Soon we had invitations to potlucks, football parties, game nights, and a neighbor reached out to me and we’re best friends and walking buddies—even though we our theology differs, we both love the Lord. Another group of friends surrounded us.

Vacationing with the Family of God—A Glimpse of Heaven

In my blog post “Love Song Couples Getaway,” I shared the story of Dave and me deciding to celebrate our 20th anniversary . . . just as we did on our honeymoon . . . with a group of Christian couples we didn’t know. It was the best vacation of our married life, and in just one week, we made friends with couples who have become near and dear to us. They live in Southern California, where we just moved from, but we still have our mountain cabin and grandkids in So Cal and recently joined these couples for a reunion.

Staying in Touch

The friend I mentioned in the opening paragraph who exclaimed, “You sure do have allot of friends,” was reacting to the recap of our trip to Southern California. We told him about:

Lunch with the wife of that host couple of the Making Love Last Forever group, whom we hadn’t seen in 10 years after they moved out of So Cal. We picked up the conversation like we had never been apart. I discovered they would be in So Cal the same time as us on Facebook—a great way to keep in touch with friends.   Lunch with Robin Coleman
We had a reunion with three couples we met on our Love Song Couples Getaway vacation in May. Love Song Couples Getaway reunion

Enjoyed a lovely sunset dinner with couples from that original small group Bible study where Dave and I met, and we’re always welcome to stay with them when we return to Orange County.

Dinner with our original couples small group friends

We then spent a week at our So Cal mountain cabin socializing and visiting with our friends and neighbors, including my author friend Joanne Bischof and her husband Noah

Dinner with author Joanne Bischof and Noah

Friendships Are Our Witness

In Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter, I tell the story of my daughter Kim contemplating becoming a Christian and worrying that she might not have any friends. But then, she said, “Well you and Dave have so many friends and you’re always having a good time. And I guess I don’t need those friends who won’t accept me.” When she made that comment, Dave and I had only been married five years …we were just getting started on making friends.

As Christians, we need to remember that someone is always watching us to see how we interact with others and are we open to fellowshipping.

We must also befriend nonbelievers or how else will they learn about the blessings and joys of knowing Christ. But those we “hang with”, and share our lives with, should share our morals and values, and we should be a support system for each other.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

Let’s be friends on Facebook!

I would love to hear how you make treasured friends.

September 23, 2013
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Mentor From Your Mess

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Kathy McDaniel and me

Kathy and Janet in Colorado

I saw the following post on the Facebook page of a dear long-time friend of the family. Kathy is a mom weathering through a difficult and long divorce. I asked to share her sage words of wisdom with my readers because she describes lived-out mentoring.

Kathy said absolutely and prays that her sharing will help many others!

God doesn’t allow us to go through difficult circumstances just to build our own character. As we experience His faithfulness in all situations, He wants us to share where our strength comes from with someone on a similar journey.

My passion is to help other women understand that mentoring is simply—Sharing Life’s Experiences and God’s Faithfulness—my tagline for living the Christian life. Kathy gets that. I hope you do too!

Kathy’s Facebook Post with editorial review:

Reach Out and Touch Someone

I continue to hear more and more stories of women in the midst of divorce or separation, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, and the victims of financial “money moving.” If you know someone going through this, please reach out to her. Let her know you care and that you’re there for her.

Pray consistently for her and her children! I can’t tell you how isolating it can be when your world is crashing down: you’re bruised and battle scarred, scared, and trying to be strong for your kids. It’s so easy to isolate because you have nothing left to give; but that’s when you need others to hold you up, pray for you, and bring you a Costco pizza so you remember to eat and feed your kids.

Don’t Let Anyone Walk Through Difficulty Alone

I never would have made it through without my family, friends, and church family, huddling around me and lifting me up in prayer. They wouldn’t let me isolate—even when I tried—and I am so blessed because of it. The numbers of women walking through this battle is staggering, and we need to make sure they don’t walk alone! And if you know a dad in this situation, reach out to him. The numbers aren’t as great, but the pain is just as deadly!

Honor Faithful Love

My heart aches when I see so many families torn apart by infidelity, abuse, porn, and arrogance. To those with a faithful spouse who keeps walking with you in the middle of life’s chaos, hold him/her close. Treasure them, pray for them!

Adopt a broken family into your hearts. Let their kids see a healthy marriage—they need to know it’s possible.

The First Step in Healing is Helping

For those who have walked the broken road and survived, share your story, wisdom, failures, hugs . . . as God leads you. Offer hope to those who can’t see past today! God allows us to go through trials because He has a greater purpose than we can see. One of those purposes is to comfort those who are on a similar journey. You understand what they are dealing with, when no one else can. You know how to pray for them. You know how to help them avoid things that you didn’t avoid. Guide them through the deep waters so that one day they can guide someone else.

Most importantly, point them to the ultimate Guide: Jesus Christ!

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Kathy is living out my paraphrase of Titus 2:3-5: Teach another woman what you’ve been taught so she can someday teach what you taught her . . .

Read more of Janet’s thoughts on mentoring.

August 19, 2013
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Love Song Couples Getaway

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God’s Call?

Last fall, I was browsing Facebook and the web looking for a picture of the Harvest Crusade for a power point presentation to accompany my testimony at a retreat. 20 years ago, I rededicated my life to Christ at a Harvest Crusade led by Pastor Greg Laurie. When Pastor Greg asked if we were ready to die tonight, I knew at that time my answer would have been, “No.” Even though I had accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of twelve, as a divorced single mom I had spent many years backsliding.

On the Harvest Crusade Facebook page, there was a picture of Pastor Greg Laurie, so I decided to “Like” his Facebook page and saw that he was speaking in Maui in May 2013 at an event called The Love Song Couples Getaway at the Grand Wailea in Maui.

The Love Song Couples Getaway sounded like a perfect way to celebrate and commemorate two major life events. The same night I rededicated my life at the Harvest Crusade, I also heard God telling me to rededicate myself to the godly man He had given me to date, Dave! I did, and we were married 6 months later. So it was not only the 20th anniversary of me rededicating my life, but also our 20th wedding anniversary, which we had talked about celebrating in Hawaii. And Pastor Greg was going to be speaking at the Getaway…this had to be God!

I presented all this to Dave and he said, no. I told him that Mac Powell from Third Day would be leading worship, along with Chris August and Leeland, but still he felt it was too extravagant. So I gave up the cause . . . until December when I saw that they were having a Christmas discount. I again approached Dave, and this time he was more receptive. Several days later, he booked us to go!

The Witness

I was able to witness to so many people about why I thought God was leading us to take this trip. I told them about rededicating my life to God at the Harvest Crusade twenty years ago and that Pastor Greg Laurie would be speaking at the event in Maui, which just happened to coincide with our 20th wedding anniversary. Then I told them about how I had broken up with Dave before the Crusade, but that night we had sat in his car hashing out our relationship until the parking lot of Anaheim Stadium emptied, and how I felt God calling me to rededicate myself to Dave. I told versions of this story to people at the grocery store, hairdressers, family, friends, friends’ of friends, strangers . . . anyone who asked where we were going on vacation! It became quite a testimony.

A Glimpse of Heaven

The trip seemed so far off when we booked it last December, but May 23 we took off for the best vacation of our lives! Imagine Mac Powell, Chris August, and Leeland playing worship music on the sprawling lawn in front of the Grand Wailea chapel with the soft sound of the ocean waves accompanying them, or watching a beautiful Hawaiian sunset while listening to a worship concert by one of these amazing godly musicians. Or listening to Greg Laurie or Pastor Jim Wright (from Oregon) talk about our marriage relationship and our relationship with the Lord.

We all wore blue wristbands for admission into the Love Song events, but the wristbands also allowed us to identify each other on and off the resort. We made many new friends from all over the United States, Canada, and Australia because when you saw the wristbands, you knew this person was “family” . . . the family of God.

It was a glimpse of heaven: a tropical paradise with amazing Christian worship music morning and night and fellowshipping with hundreds of Christian believers.

When they announced where the trip would be next year—back to Maui or Paradise Island in the Bahamas—Dave was one of the first to jump out of his seat to sign up for the Bahamas.

If you’re looking for a vacation that combines Christian teaching, worship music, lots of free time, a chance to make new friends, or just be alone in a beautiful oasis, we highly recommend this God-centered vacation. The young couple orchestrating Love Song Couples Getaway feels it is their ministry to provide outstanding Christian getaways for couples. Dave and I would agree they are definitely fulfilling God’s call!

Mac Powell of Third Day and me                    Getting a book signed by Pastor Greg Laurie

Our first day                                                                             Making new friends

June 17, 2013
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The Wonders of Prayerful Handholding

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You’ve probably noticed that I’ve had guest bloggers the past three weeks while I was on vacation and participating in our churches VBS with my grandkids. A big thank you to Julie Sanders and Stephanie Shott for their great guest blogs. In the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing the many God wonders from our vacation and VBS adventures, starting with today’s blog post.

Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.—Psalm 40:5

 

The Wonders of Prayerful Handholding!

“Bless you both,” I heard as my husband, Dave, and I opened our eyes after praying over our dinner in the Seattle airport food court. I looked up to see an elderly gentleman and his wife beaming at us from the next table. In an instant, we all knew that we shared something in common—God! When we acknowledged the husband’s comment, his wife gleefully added, “And I said to my husband, ‘Look they’re holding hands while they pray!’”.

As we chatted with the couple, we learned that they were waiting to board a plane to Orange County, our former home, and they were traveling from Canada. I later told Dave that I have always wanted to acknowledge others praying over their meal when we’re out to eat, but I never knew exactly what to say that wouldn’t be intrusive—now I knew exactly what to say!

Backing up a bit…earlier that morning, Dave and I had again held hands and prayed as we sat in the Boise airport anticipating a long travel day with a seven hour layover in Seattle on our way to Maui. We asked God to use our long waits and travel times to His glory and that He would have us encounter the people He wanted us to meet. As we said “Amen,” I heard a familiar voice calling my name and it was the sweet receptionist at our Garden Valley Clinic. She was on her way to Texas, and as we chatted together she told us of her friend she was going to help move back to Idaho, and we were able to share with her about a group we are starting in our home that might help her friend.

After sixteen hours of travel and a four hour time change, we finally made it to the beautiful island of Maui ready to enjoy a week at the Love Song Couples Getaway at the Grand Wailea Resort. Since it took us a day of travel and we arrived late at night, we had decided to go two days early and spend our first two nights before the Getaway started at a less expensive hotel near the airport on a different part of the island than the Grand Wailea.

Our first morning in this “tropical paradise,” we headed down to the hotel’s restaurant for my favorite Hawaiian breakfast: pancakes with coconut syrup.  While savoring every bite, I noticed that a couple who had just been seated at the table next to us were holding hands and praying before their meal, as Dave and I had done before they arrived. Here is my chance to try out my acknowledgement greeting.

So when I heard “Amen,” I said to them “Bless you both.” They looked a little surprised at first, but as the conversation ensued, it turned out they too were from Orange County and were also headed to the Love Song Couples Getaway, and like us, had decided to come in two days early and stay near the airport! What are the chances of that? Hmmm, God was really answering our prayer to orchestrate who He wanted us to meet.

The next day at the same restaurant for breakfast, I noticed another couple sitting next to us and they were finishing their meal as we sat down. Dave and I ordered and then held hands and prayed a blessing over our food. As the couple got up to leave, I noticed the husband gave us a kind acknowledging smile.

Later that day, we checked out of our hotel and checked into the Grand Wailea, where the Love Song Couples Getaway was being held. And who should we see in the lobby but the same couple we had seen that morning at breakfast! It turns out that they had watched us pray over our meal and the wife had said to the husband, “Why don’t we hold hands while we pray?”

Thousands of tourists are on the island of Maui ever day…what are the chances that we would meet two couples going to the same retreat we were who were staying the first two night on the same part of the island that we did, and that we would eat breakfast in the same place at the same time, and that holding hands while we prayed would be our connecting factor.

We became great friends with both of these couples while we were at the Getaway and thanks to Facebook and email, we’ll stay friends across the miles. As other couples asked us how we met each other, it gave us another opportunity to share our story of the wonders of God using handholding while praying.

I have so much to tell you about the Love Song Couples Getaway, which I will in upcoming blogs, but let me salt you with saying it was the best, God-filled vacation we have ever had and we’ve already signed up to go next year to the Bahamas with them. This vacation was better than our expectations and a wise investment of our time and resources to enhance our marriage and draw us closer to each other and God.

Do you hold hands with your spouse when you pray?

Dave and I have held hands praying since before we were married…we hold hands whenever we pray whether it be in church, over a meal anywhere and everywhere… yes even over pizza…and when we pray together at home. We also hold hands with our friends, family, kids, grandkids, visitors . . . whoever is in the circle of breaking bread together when we pray over a meal. There’s a unity that comes from clasping our hands in another’s and lifting your heart to the Lord together. And who knows….God just might use it as your witness and help you make new friends!

You might enjoy looking over some tips for Praying as a Couple that I included in Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter.

June 10, 2013
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5 Things You Should Know About “Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man”

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1. It’s humorous.

When I was writing the book and telling people about it, there was always laughter and chuckles. My husband noticed this and asked me if it was going to be a funny book. I told him there would be some funny parts . . . but the book wouldn’t portray husbands in a negative light or poke fun at them.

Sometimes the best way to handle a transition or new situation is to laugh—at yourself and the circumstances. The humor comes from our humanness and some of the crazy things we do and say. God will turn your tears into laughter, and your mourning into dancing, if you let Him (Ecclesasties 4:10)

2. It’s also serious.

The book had to include serious moments because the circumstances that bring a husband home are often very serious—illness, accidents, disability, layoffs, PTSD, unplanned retirement . . . just to name a few. And the transitions that the wife and husband experience can at times be serious. God takes our problems and trials seriously (Matthew 11:28), so the book includes Love Letters from God (personalized Scripture) and Let’s Pray (prayers to personalize).

3. It’s been described as “raw.”

I am open, vulnerable, and “real” when sharing about myself, but always make sure to give God the glory for the amazing things He has done in my life. My tagline is “Sharing Life’s Experiences and God’s Faithfulness,” and that’s the heart of mentoring—my passion and my purpose. So I do discuss my fears, inadequacies, anxious moments, and difficulties in adjusting to our new 24/7 lifestyle, as do the women sharing their stories in the book. In our weakness, God’s strength prevails (1 Corinthians 4:10).

4. It contains questions for couples, small groups, & readers’ groups.

My vision for the book is that it will encourage husbands and wives to talk about their “issues.” Often problems escalate for lack of communication. It also would be advantageous for women with stay-at-home men to form support/small groups or couples’ groups: there’s a leader’s guide included to help facilitate the group. This would be a perfect book for book clubs. God tells us to meet together and encourage each other (Hebrews 10:25).

5. It features my husband as the hero of the book, but he says he’s the “sacrificial lamb.”

My husband graciously allowed me to share our lives and hearts with the readers. He also wrote the epilogue to give a window into his experience as a stay-at-home man. He is my helpmate and my biggest encourager. I could not do the things God has led me to do without my husband cheering me one. As God has ordained for marriage, we truly have become one (Mark 10:8).

To read a snippet.

To learn more about Dear God, He’s Home!

April 22, 2013
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The Magnet Syndrome!

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My retired husband is constantly coming up to me asking, “What are you doing?” He said he can’t stay away—he’s drawn to me like a magnet.—Mariann

Dear God,

When we were first married, Dave literally followed me around the house wanting to do everything with me. He didn’t have any friends or interests beside his job, golf, and me. We quickly remedied that dilemma by finding him friends, serving at church, and starting guitar lessons—the guitar eventually fell by the wayside.

Now that he’s retired and home 24/7, I’m reliving those early years: it seems like every time I turn around, I’m running into him right behind me, or he’s occupying the same space I’m trying to claim. I can’t make a move without him showing up. I try having my “quiet time” outside, only to look up and see him coming out with his Bible ready to settle in across the table from me . . . which would be OK accept he doesn’t read quietly . . . he talks . . . .

I get up early and go for my walk, expecting him to be done in the kitchen when I return. To my chagrin, he doesn’t think about eating breakfast, until I do! If I get my vitamins out of the cupboard, he needs his. Bottles fall and pills fly as we reach around each other trying to grab ours off the shelf.

When I go into the bathroom to put on my makeup and dry my hair, he remembers he needs to shave. Since we only have one sink and mirror, that’s a big problem. Last night, I was trying to take a shower, and he had to go to the bathroom, even though he had just been in there flossing his teeth!

It’s like having a perpetual shadow! Lord, I need some space. Why does everything I do, trigger the exact same response in him? If I change my routine to accommodate him, he changes his routine to match mine—he’s like a magnet. Help! I love my husband, but I’m stumbling over him at every turn.

Crowded, Janet

Mentoring Moment

My friend Anita and I were walking together one morning and I was lamenting about what Dave and I now laughingly call the “Magnet Syndrome.” Anita said she and her husband, Gary, experience the same thing and then she shared the “breakfast dance” they often do in the mornings, just like Dave and me.

Anita also said she had been giving this phenomenon a lot of thought and concluded that the more time you spend together, the more you’re on the same “wave length.” You start thinking alike, your schedules are similar, and your body clocks become synchronized. You’re both hungry simultaneously and sometimes even need to use the bathroom at the same time!

Then she pointed out this is how God intended marriage: husbands and wives become as one. When we each went our separate ways during the day, we had to transition back to being “one” when we saw each other again at night. 24/7 togetherness reflects the oneness of Genesis 2:24—“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Pondering Anita’s words, I realized how right she was. Instead of operating as two separate people in a marriage, 24/7 husbands and wives truly transition into one body—spiritually and physically. Exactly what we all agreed to in our marriage vows when the pastor said, “I present to you Mr. and Mrs. _____________, (fill in your names) united in marriage. What God has joined together, let no man separate.”

*This article contains excerpts from Janet Thompson’s  Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man

April 8, 2013
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Dear God, He’s Home!

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Today, I’m doing the happy dance because tomorrow, March 5, my book Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man releases.This book is the third in the “Dear God” series. The first two are: Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey and Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey. I’ve traveled these three journeys, and my hope is to mentor, bless, and encourage other women who are on the journey now.

Last week, I received the author’s copies of Dear God, He’s Home! and holding your new “baby” never gets old. Today’s blog is part of a two-part post that will introduce you to the heart of the book. Next Monday you will hear from my stay-at-home man.

Photo: Look what was waiting for me when we got home tonight! Another baby birthed LOL:)

The wife of a stay-at-home man is going to talk to God—a lot!

Maybe she’ll write a cathartic letter in her journal: Dear God,. . . . Another wife might begin her pleading or thankful prayers with “Dear God,”. . . . Still other wives in times of desperation or frustration cry out, “Dear God, HE’S HOME!”

The various times my husband has been a “Stay-at-Home Man,” I regularly expressed each of those “Dear Gods,” as do the wives who submitted stories for my book Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man. So if you have a stay-at-home man and he’s driving you crazy, don’t feel guilty if you haven’t always been joyous about this new closeness in your marriage relationship. And don’t feel alone. When I sent out a request for stories of women with a husband home due to retirement, illness, disability, out of work, home office, the military . . . whatever reason…the stories flowed into my inbox and my ears.

With unemployment at an all-time high, baby boomers reaching retirement age by the droves, military pulling out of many areas and returning home, businesses down-sizing or setting up virtual offices in homes, chances are pretty good you either are or know a woman with a stay-at-home man.

Whenever I mention the title of my book, wives smirk with raised eyebrows and knowingly remark, “Boy, do I have a story for you!” “I need this book.” “I know someone who could use this book.” Or “I’m going to need this book soon, write fast!”

Myriad emotions and reactions erupt from both spouses when an otherwise out-of-the-home-every-day husband is suddenly home all day—every day. Many wives have their own label for this occurrence. In Honey, I’m Home for Good!, Mary Ann Cook calls it spouse-in-the-house syndrome.” Then there’s retired-husband syndrome” or military reintegration syndrome.

Every couple’s response to their unique syndrome evolves from how they’ve dealt with previous transitions in their relationship. Couples who stumbled and fumbled without finding workable resolutions in the past, will probably stumble and fumble through this new situation too. However, couples who have successfully developed and implemented coping techniques may be better equipped to adjust to a full time “stay-at-home man.” Even so, unexpected issues can blindside both spouses.

There’s no age qualifier for a husband suddenly being home 24/7. Sometimes it comes as a shock and other times it’s the natural progression of expected retirement or return from deployment. But even when we know it’s coming, the reality of a hubby being home full-time can still be shocking and disarming. A woman recently wrote me:

My dad has just announced that he’ll be retiring the end of March, so I’m excited to read your book and send it along to my mom afterwards. We didn’t handle his retirement from the Marine Corps so well 20 years ago. I was just laughing about it with him on the phone today, but he has better laid plans to transition out this time around.

Planning is essential, if you have that luxury. Each time my husband has been home, it’s always been a surprise and no time to plan. It hit us both hard and we struggled through adapting to the transitions and changes we each experienced.

For Better or For Worse but Not For Lunch

There’s a universal frustration expressed by wives of stay-at-home husbands: He’s invading “my space” and my work load is increasing while his is decreasing. The prospect of fixing lunch every day can push a wife over the top.  John expresses the lament of many wives:

When I retired from the Navy (and was a stay at home retiree) my wife (after a few weeks) said, “I promised for better or worse, but I didn’t promise lunch every day. Go out and get another job. So I did…John

John J. Cline

 John

Not every husband can go out and get another job, at least not right away. Instead of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, we wives need to put into perspective issues like lunch or helping with household duties and discuss with our husbands in the same way we would discuss a major decision or planning a trip—talk it out.

Most husbands were used to eating lunch somewhere —maybe driving up to a takeout window, or sitting in a restaurant and ordering, or going to the lunchroom and eating the lunch we packed. They don’t know how to change that pattern unless we help redirect them to making their own lunches now or going out with the guys. One husband, who went from working in an office to working out of the home, still gets in his car and drives to lunch. It was what he always did and it feels right. I’m sure it feels right to his wife too!

Part 2 of Dear God, He’s Home! to be continued next Monday Morning. Have a great week. I’m going to have fun sharing my book with wives who I hope will be blessed and encouraged in this season of their lives.

We’re Running a Special for the Month of March

At our website store, you can purchase Dear God, He’s Home!  personalized and signed for only $9.99 (regular price $14.99) for the month of March.

If you would like to read the first two chapters go to this snippet.

Next week I’ll have a book trailer to share with you.

March 4, 2013
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Who’s Your First Love?

1

True Love Heart

February is the month of love and romance. Red and pink hearts are everywhere in honor of Valentine’s Day—the universal day for showing and sharing love. Of course, we don’t just love in the month of February—or one day a year—but it is the day we focus on finding ways to demonstrate our love.

Little children certainly don’t limit their display of love to just one day! Whenever my grandkids come to visit, they leave me love notes with their sweet heart drawings all over the house and on my white board. And at home they do the same for mommy and daddy. They seem to have an abundance of love and they don’t mind telling the world about it!

Brandon's love note

Fill in the blank with the first thing that comes to your mind: I LOVE_________

 Love is a word we often use loosely and it can take on many different meanings….

  • I love pizza!
  • I love pink!
  • I love my husband!
  • I love my kids!
  • I love my new vacuum!
  • I love Trader Joe’s!

I think you get the idea. Obviously we love our husbands and kids more than we love pizza. So how would you fill in the following blank?

My FIRST love is _____________.

You might have had trouble completing that sentence. If you’re married, how could you possibly differentiate between your husband and your children as your first love? If you have more than one child . . . how could you determine which one of them you love first? You can’t. But when you fill in that blank with…My FIRST love is Jesus . . . He gives you the ability to have limitless love for Him and for others:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.”—Matthew 22:37-40 The Message

You probably know people who would fill in the blank with …

  • My FIRST love is myself.
  • My FIRST love is my career.
  • My FIRST love is fame and fortune.
  • My FIRST love is my car or house or bank account…..

Every day we see on the news or in our neighborhoods, the tragic results of lives lived with the wrong priorities.

Analogy: Earthy Love and Love for Jesus

I once read a satirical advice column:  Dear Dr. Lovelorn, Where do I go to find a lukewarm love for the rest of my life to grow old with?

Of course, none of us ever plan for our romantic love to turn lukewarm. Remember when you were first in love: when time, money, and energy were never a concern. You talked lovingly about each other nonstop, couldn’t stand to be apart, showered each other with affection, and wanted the whole world to know you were in love.

Then when you marry and children join your happy family, it becomes harder and harder to find the time, money, and energy to expend on each other. Yes, your love has matured, but you have to be careful that mature love doesn’t mean the passion and excitement has turned to lukewarm and routine. Even God wants our marriages to stay as on fire, as when we were first in love….

“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 18-18 NLT)

God also wants us to maintain the passion and excitement we had when we first fell in love with His Son, Jesus. Have you been around a new believer lately? They have a radiance and glow…just like a new bride. New believers are on fire for the Lord and there’s a joy and exuberance about them that’s contagious and often leads others to want to know where this new found joy came from.

But as we spiritually mature, we may become like the church in Ephesus who Jesus spoke of in Revelations 2:4-5 (NIV): “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.  Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”

Removing the lampstand meant they would no longer be an effective church . . . effective Christian witness . . . effective role model to the next generation.

Only when we place Jesus first in our life and heart, can we love others with a genuine Christ-like love. It’s His love that fuels us to be better wives and mothers and grandmothers. . . . women. Jesus helps us do things for our families lovingly, not dutifully. There’s a difference between preparing a delicious meal because we love our family, versus throwing something together just to get them fed.

How Do We Return To Our First Love?

Just like we have to make an effort to rekindle the romantic fire in our marriages, we occasionally have to reignite the fire for Jesus in our hearts! Here’s an acrostic for L O V E that works for me, and I know it will work for you too:

Linger with Him!

“Oh, how I love your instructions!  I think about them all day long.”—Psalm 119:97 NLT

Find ways to have a quiet time with the Lord every day. I know that’s not always easy if you Susanna Wesleyhave small children; but take a tip from Susanna Wesley, the mother of John and Charles Wesley, the founders of the Methodist movement. Susanna had 19 pregnancies, and 10 of her children lived past the age of two. That in itself requires great faith, but even with 10 children running around, Susanna believed strongly in daily prayer and if she couldn’t find a private place in the house to pray, she put her apron over her head as a sign to the children to be extra quiet, mom was praying!

 

Find that private place in your home where you can “throw your apron over your head” and help yoMother Daughter prayingur children learn to respect your time of prayer and reading your Bible. This will teach them more about the value of prayer than any Bible study. My daughter has three children 4, 7, 8 and she just read the Bible in a year on her phone by using YouVersion.

cell phone

 Obsess Over Him!

“I will praise the Lord at all times.  I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together.”—Psalm 34:1-3 NLT

The dictionary describes obsession as:

  • Preoccupied
  • Dominated
  • Fixed
  • Immersed in
  • Gripped by
  • An Infatuation
  • A Passion

AH…that we would all be deliriously, madly, and obsessively in love with Jesus!

Value Him!

“Let the whole earth sing to the Lord! Each day proclaim the good news that he saves. Publish his glorious deeds among the nations. Tell everyone about the amazing things he does.  Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise! He is to be feared above all gods.”—1 Chronicles 16:23-25

Synonyms for value:

  • Worthy
  • Worship
  • Love

We can tell what we value most by looking at our checkbooks and our calendar. Where do you spend most of your money and time? Ask yourself if it has Kingdom value.

Enjoy Him!

I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in his presence.—Proverbs 8:30 NIV

Happy In the Lord

When we L O V E Jesus Christ with total abandonment, our hearts begin to change and we’re able to reach out with His love to those around us and L O V E them as Jesus commanded:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”—John 13:34-35 NIV.

 

Share with us ways you’ve found to keep Jesus first in your life and how you L-inger with O-bsess over V-alue and E-njoy Him!

Have a Happy Jesus is “My First Love” Day!

PS: You might also find it helpful to do my Bible study Face-to-Face with Priscilla and Aquila: Balancing Life and Ministry

February 11, 2013
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