What to Do When the Church Hurts

“Everyone at church thinks ______________ about you.”

Ouch!

“Everyone? That sounds like a few have been gossiping about me. God hates gossip. That says a lot more about them then it does about me.”

Christian White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders has responded to unjustified crude and vicious verbal attacks and harassment against her with class and a gentle spirit to those who intentionally want to hurt her. If you, like me, have been hurt by people in the church, I suggest this is the attitude we take too. Don’t let a few people rob your joy.

[Tweet “Sarah Sanders has responded to unjustified crude and vicious verbal attacks and harassment against her with class and a gentle spirit to those who intentionally want to hurt her.”]

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Philippians 1:27     

So we can say with confidence, “The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

Often “the church” is blamed for injustice, when people in the church have done the damage.

[Tweet “The church” is God’s house or gathering place, and He is the head of the household, the family of God.”]

It’s important to remember that “the church” is God’s house or gathering place, and He is the head of the household, the family of God. The only perfect person in His house is Him! The rest of the church, including the pastor, elders, and leadership, are imperfect people. They make mistakes. They have a higher calling and so their mistakes can have long lasting repercussions, for which they will suffer the consequences. Sometimes, we set the pastoral staff on a pedestal and expect more from them than we expect from God. That will always lead to disappointment.

All parishioners are also imperfect people, just like you and me. My former pastor, Rick Warren, says, “If you think you’ve found the perfect church, it won’t be perfect long because you just joined it.”

[Tweet “There is no perfect church because it’s comprised of imperfect people, even the pastor!”]

Everyone in the church is at different spiritual levels and degrees of maturity. Some may have misguided higher opinions of themselves, thinking they know more than others do. Some are young Christians still learning what the Christian life is and isn’t. Others might not be Christians at all.

What to Do When the Church Hurts

When I wrote the Crosswalk blog post Is Watching Church Online the Same As Going to Church?, I was saddened to read comments of how many people didn’t attend church anymore because of a bad experience at a church. Some had never returned.

Again, Pastor Warren says, “You can have a bad meal or service at a restaurant and you might not eat there again, but you don’t stop going to restaurants or eating.”

[Tweet “When you have a bad meal, you don’t stop eating. Don’t stop going to church because of a bad experience.”]

A Facebook friend started a discussion “What should you do when the church—the place or people you turn to for solace, hope, acceptance, help, and . . . love—hurts?”

Just like with my Crosswalk article, the heartbreaking comments of people being hurt in the church started flowing. Some of the sources of hurt were:

Gossip—The Bible has a lot to say about gossip because it can happen so easily, and sadly, even in the church . . . especially in the church.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13

 A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. [and I would add separates good churches] Proverbs 16:28

 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts. Proverbs 18:8

A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much. Proverbs 20:19

 Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down. Proverbs 26:20

Leadership—Not being sensitive to the needs of the congregation or parishioners who have been hurt or mistreated in the church.

Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? Luke 15:4

Nonacceptance/Rejection—Cliques form, especially in a small church, but also in a large church. Some church members may feel they’re more important, holier, or godlier than others are, and newcomers, or those who might differ from the church culture, aren’t welcome unless they’re invited into the “in group.”

I felt unaccepted in a large church as a single, working, divorced mom. That’s why it was so important to me to have no clicks in Woman to Woman Mentoring, and why I wrote the book Mentoring for All Seasons!

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:3

[Tweet “Everyone has a past, but all should be welcome in God’s house”]

Judgmental—Everyone has a past, but all should be welcome in God’s house (unless they’ve come to do harm to His people). Where else will people find hope, forgiveness, and the love of Jesus?

[ Judging Others ] “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2

False Teaching—This is never acceptable or to be tolderated.

[ False Teachers and Their Destruction ] But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves. 2 Peter 2:1

I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God’s marvelous grace allows us to live immoral lives. The condemnation of such people was recorded long ago, for they have denied our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ. Jude 1:4 NLT

 Remedies offered on my friend’s Facebook page:

Forgiveness—If you don’t forgive, the bitterness and pain harbors in your heart. It was obvious from the Crosswalk and Facebook comments, that this was true. Forgiveness doesn’t make what was said or done to you right, it does set the prisoner, you, free. It might be time to move on to another church, but God never wants us to stop coming into fellowship with other believers in His house. We just might need a new congregation, while we pray for the one we left.

Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ¹³ So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. Rom 14:12 NLT

Confront—those who have hurt you, even if it’s the pastor or leadership team. Often hurtful issues are resolved once we see the other person’s perspective. Other times, we can’t resolve the problem. Still you set your heart free and dealt with the issue in a biblical way. Matthew 18:14-17 The Message gives us those guidelines.

^15-17 “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.

¹⁰ I appeal to you, brothers and sisters,^[a] in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. 1 Cor. 1:10

Pray—For what God wants you to do. Did He lead you to this church to make a difference or is He showing you it’s time to move on to another church more suited to you? But remember . . . you’re still taking you with all your expectations, personality traits, and past experiences into a new church.

I know these remedies aren’t easy, but I’m not suggesting anything I haven’t had to do, both as a church member and in a leadership role. I’ve been hurt, rejected, criticized, judged, disappointed, misunderstood, gossiped about . . . but I can honestly say, I’ve never considered leaving God’s church or the meeting together of His people.

I’ve had to confront, forgive, ask for forgiveness, consider the source, ignore, look objectively at myself to see if I needed to change, but mostly, ask God for guidance in how to rise above the issue and carry on joyfully loving His people, loving the lost, and loving serving Him.

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Heb. 10:24

The heart of the people is the heart of the church.

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PS. If you received this blog post on 6/23, I accidently hit “schedule” while I was still working on it, so you received a rough draft. I hope you enjoy today’s finished work.

For tips on forgiveness and confronting those who have hurt you, I wrote a Bible study on this topic.