Letitia Suk is a guest on the Monday Morning Blog today with some great advice for moms of teens and tweens from her book Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens and Teens. This is a delightful and practical guide for grandparents too. As I was reading, I thought about my thirteen-year old granddaughter who was coming with her friend to stay with us for a week. Our tendency is to fall back on our own parenting style with the next generation, but I knew I could learn a few tips, and I did. Leave a comment for a chance to enter the drawing to win this precious book!
My new book Everyday Brave: Living Courageously as a Woman of Faith is now available for preorder on Amazon. Mothering tweens and teens is a courageous and brave endeavor that I know we would all agree we couldn’t do without the help of God. Chapter 7 is “Brave Mothers.”
7 Tested Tips for Moms of Teens
by Letitia Suk
Parents and teens will clash, often! If you are a parent of a teen, you have been on both ends of the clash at some point in your life. Remember?
As much as it feels challenging to get through this roller coaster season of parenting, choose the long view. This current crisis will pass but your relationship with your teen lasts the rest of your life.
[Tweet “One of the primary tasks of parenting teens is to establish a bond of closeness that can be drawn on for the long journey ahead.”]
Your pediatrician might not have mentioned it, butone of the primary tasks of parenting teens is to establish a bond of closeness that can be drawn on for the long journey ahead.
Hard as it is to believe, most of the years spent with our child in our lifetime will be in an adult-adult relationship that will outlast these exciting, fun-filled, and often challenging years.
[Tweet “Most of the years spent with our child in our lifetime will be in an adult-adult relationship”]
Looking for help?
If you need some help today, 100 Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens & Teens is a grab and go guide to read along the way. Each short, stand-alone tip provides an immediate opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your teen for both now and for the decades ahead.
Here is a sample of some of the tips you can try right now.
- Keep Texts Friendly.
Chances are your teen prefers texting to most other forms of communication. Choosing to use this tool in a friendly way is a great way to stay in touch. Tell them you love them and are praying for their test. Ask them if they need anything from Walmart or send fun tidbits of information. TM can also be used to ask questions like when will the car be back? Will you be home for dinner? Could you please pick up a gallon of milk?
Decide that you will only use this creative tool for positive thoughts or simple questions. This is not the vehicle to complain (the kitchen is a wreck), criticize (you never leave gas in the car), or accuse (you were out too late last night). Keep it upbeat and they’ll want to keep opening their inbox.
- Ditch the Dread.
“Wait till they’re teenagers!” was the foreboding warning that awaited me on almost every turn of the stroller. “Wait till they start mouthing off” or “Wait till they get to high school” or “Wait till they get their driver’s license” have been part of the mom to mom network from the playground to the boardroom. It was never clear what the wait was for, it didn’t have the same hopeful note as waiting to go on vacation.
[Tweet “Instead of expecting the worst, start the day with a hope and a prayer that your teen is going to be OK.”]
Instead of expecting the worst, start the day with a hope and a prayer that your teen is going to be OK.
Talk back to your inner critic and tell her you’re doing just fine as a mom. Don’t let moments of doubt turn into dread-fests. Be the voice of the yay-sayer instead of the naysayer to other moms. Expect the best and wait for it to come!
- Wave the White Flag.
If you are the parent of a teen, you have engaged in some conflict. In fact, you might have instigated it or inflamed it. It is never too late to wave the white flag and start a round of peace talks in your family. Someone needs to step up and stop yelling, door slamming, or silent treatment. Might as well be you!
Calling for peace is not glossing over incidents but acknowledging your part in the current conflict. “I was angry, and I insulted your character, I’m sorry.” “I was tired, and I yelled at you. That wasn’t fair.” Asking for forgiveness is also a huge step but necessary to move on.
[Tweet “Conflicts will come and go but the relationship is forever.”]
Conflicts will come and go but the relationship is forever.
What your teen sees from you in the way of how to do resolution will shape their future interactions as well.
4. Leave on a positive note.
When your teen leaves the house for an outing with friends, make a point to say have a good time, you look great, I love you.
[Tweet “The last few minutes of your interaction with your teen can set the tone for the rest of the evening.”]
The last few minutes of your interaction with your teen can set the tone for the rest of the evening.
If your teen leaves the house feeling good about you and about themselves, they will carry those positive feelings with them. Likewise, if they leave home angry, feeling misunderstood, or belittled, those feelings may shape their evening. If you really want to make a lasting impression, occasionally slip a little unasked-for cash!
- Avoid Micro-Managing Your Teen’s Faith.
It has been said that “God has no grandchildren” meaning we each have our own faith experience separate from our parents. In our spiritually aware culture, most teens are searching for something/someone to believe in. Your teen’s faith journey might parallel yours, lag behind, or leap ahead. Most likely, it will not be identical just as your faith experience is not the same as your parents.
[Tweet “Your role as a parent is to provide spiritual training for your children, but not to force their faith development.”]
Your role as a parent is to provide spiritual training but not to force their faith development.
In these teen years, you can nurture your teen’s faith by your prayers, your example, your encouragement, and trust God to work out the big picture. Keep in mind, his timing is rarely the same as ours.
- Differentiate Between Rules and Policies.
Try less rules, more policies. A policy has flex to it, a rule is fixed. Use policies for the minors of life such as room cleaning, late phone calls, attendance at family events, established study times, etc. A policy can be changed by request, “I need to talk to Sara tonight, but she won’t be home till 10:30. Can I call her later?” You: “OK, thanks for asking.” Exception given, policy still in place.
Rules, however, cover the majors and are not flexible. No point in your teen asking if they can have a party when you’re out of town. Ditto, there won’t be an exception as to whether they can drink and drive or have a sleepover with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Policies can be created on the spot and revised often. Keep the actual rules very few and very clear.
Remember, rules without relationship can lead to rebellion.
[Tweet “Remember, rules without relationship can lead to rebellion in children.”]
- Bless their Friends, Even the Ones You Don’t Like.
You won’t like all your teens’ friends. Usually announcing that you don’t like a friend quickly elevates this person into sainthood in your teen’s life. The secret is not to let your feelings be known unless your teen is in danger or serious risk from a “friend.”
Find something, anything to comment on positively about the friend. “I like the way ____ is passionate about causes, knows a lot about music, isn’t afraid to be different.” then you might say something casually like, “I am a little concerned about his/her ____(driving?, ditching school? lying? poor relationship with parents, etc.” (choose only one) then follow with, “What do you think about that?” Listen and don’t comment. Very hard tactic to follow but so worth it. Wait it out and see if your impression was wrong or your teen recognizes it’s not a healthy relationship. It almost always happens.
Interested in reading more?
Ninety-two more tips are available in 100 Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens & Teens (Ellie Claire/Hachette, 2019.) Beautifully designed with inspirational quotes on motherhood interspersed throughout, this book makes an excellent gift for yourself or a friend.
Which of these tips did you need today?
Have you used any of these tips successfully?
Please leave a comment here for a chance to win a free sign copy of 100 Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens and Teens.
About the Author:
Letitia Suk invites women to chase the intentional life. She is the author of 100 Tips for Moms of Tweens and Teens, Getaway with God: The Everywoman’s Guide to Personal Retreat & Rhythms of Renewal. Letitia’s Amazon page
She and her husband, Tom, live in the Chicago area and are parents of four grown children. Letitia’s Website
This is great advise for grandmothers. I find texting is the very best way to communicate with my 11 grandkids. We have built some pretty amazing relationships over the years and I live Letitia’s suggestions on friends we aren’t fond of! The author sounds like a fun lady and her mode of travel is also one of my loves – trains! Thanks for sharing this great blog.
Texting is also the best way to communicate with our adult kids and yes, our 11 grandkids too. As I read Leitita’s book I wish I had raising our kids, but so applicable to grandkids too!
Very helpful tips! As a mom of 3 teen boys and 1 tween girl, I can use some help. I love the keep it positive when texting, when leaving the house, when talking about friends… There is a time for correction and criticism and it doesn’t always have to be right now. I’m looking forward to reading more of the book. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Yes Amanda Letitia’s book is certainly timely for you!
Congratulations Amanda you won a copy of this valuable took. I’ll put you in touch with the author. Blessings on raising those teens for Christ!