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Growing a Life While Growing a Family

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I’ve invited fellow The M.O.M. Initiative Mentor Mom, Julie Sanders, back to share more about her new e-book Expectant. Her writing has been published in Declare His Name, in magazines such as The Message, P31 Woman, and in adult and children’s Bible curriculum. Julie is committed to teaching God’s word in a personal and relevant way that gives women confidence to walk out faith in life.

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As the weeks progressed, my skin stretched to capacity and I grew bigger. My heart was full with expectation about our child and motherhood. When the time came for the class session about C-sections and surgery, our instructor prepared to show a video to the parents-to-be. Never one to enjoy the inside story of the human body, I told my husband it was time for me to excuse myself from the final class. I ran out. Taken by surprise, he ultimately joined me in the hall, and we went home. After all, I insisted, a C-section wasn’t something we needed to know about.

One emergency C-section later, I wondered if that final class might have prepared me for a finale and a beginning I did not expect. As gradually as my stretch marks had appeared, my expectations expanded with each new outcome, challenge, and dilemma of being a mother. “How could anyone prepare for this?” I wondered from my hospital bed. Would the Birthing Class video have shown me what it looks like to meet your baby through the window of an incubator?  First time mothers, and even experienced mothers, often find their journey into parenting thrusts them into a world they didn’t anticipate and  aren’t ready for.

It doesn’t take long for a mom to realize motherhood is as much about growing her own life as it is about growing her family. While a woman may want to make plans, anticipate changes, and avoid the unpredictable, each day will be sprinkled with the unexpected like toys on a living room floor. Her body, her adult relationships, her new child, and her normal life will take on a new life.

Magazine images of well-groomed women with cherub-like babes fool us into expecting a baby-book ready experience we can post on Facebook. Each woman’s story is unique, but every woman’s heart is expectant.

What can a woman know for sure as she steps gingerly through the passageway of motherhood through pregnancy, foster care, adoption, or another open door?  She can know that while her own expectations are stretched, God is fully aware of every contraction, emergency, failed adoption, heart ache, longing, weakness, joy, victory:  all of it.  He knows.  Every mother and child can say to the heavenly Father, “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:16) He knows, He is involved, and He works for our good.

Every mother’s expectant heart stretches with all she hopes and dreams for her child and herself.  She will not be alone. The One who saw her child before she did and wrote the days of their life in His own story book, will be with her as she discovers that mothering was everything and more than she expected.

About Julie Sanders

Julie’s first baby has grown up and gone off to college and the second is close behind. Having a baby looked different than she expected, but the motherhood journey has exceeded all she imagined. The hard won truths she discovered in becoming a mom have stayed with her while living and serving around the world, finding that moms everywhere share the same expectations in growing a family. As a pastor’s wife and women’s ministry leader, Julie enjoys walking the path of motherhood with moms in all seasons. When her small group of six young wives began adding children to their homes, she was inspired to write a collection of devotions that would speak to their expectant hearts.

Connect with Julie at Come Have a Peace if you would like to have Julie partner with you in your next retreat, MOPS meeting, special event, or leadership training event. Julie also writes for The MOM Initiative, Do Not Depart, and Exemplify Online.

Stop by EXPECTANT to purchase EXPECTANT for $4.99 on Kindle, iPad, or for use with the Kindle App.

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June 3, 2013
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Interview with Julie Sanders, Author of “Expectant”

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Today’s blog post is an interview with Julie Sanders, my fellow Mentor Mom for The M.O.M. Initiative,  about her new E-book release,  EXPECTANT:  40 Devotions for New and Expectant Moms

Tell us what we can expect from EXPECTANT.

EXPECTANT is a collection of 40 devotions for new and expectant moms that uses transparent stories and biblical truth to offer hope and wisdom to women transitioning into motherhood. If you have dreams and hopes of what mothering will be, your heart is already Expectant.

Women enter motherhood in a variety of ways, so EXPECTANT shares encouragement for every mom as she grows into being a mother. That may mean she grows a pregnant belly or a home study for adoption, but she will grow. By talking about real issues like changes in your body, your marriage, your work, and your schedule, EXPECTANT helps new moms think through necessary transitions to find hope and confidence right there on the changing table or playground.

Like spending time with a loving, honest mentor over coffee, EXPECTANT uplifts women. The devotions are organized into sections about you, other grown-ups, the baby, and your new normal. Each one includes words from Scripture to grow your heart, as well as questions to get the conversation started with a friend, mentor, or dad-to-be. It’s formatted so that it would be easy to do with a partner or small group of moms.

Each journey into motherhood is unique, but every mother’s heart is expectant.

How is motherhood different than you expected?

I knew I would love our children, but I never imagined how much I would enjoy our children. Every season has been amazing, but moving through the changes of childhood, along with the accidents and surprises, has kept me prayerful. Being a mom is great for your prayer life!

Being a mom has stretched me more personally than I ever expected. God uses motherhood to expose my weaknesses, my failures, and my sin. While I’ve been watching our kids grow, God has been growing my heart and life.

What are some of your favorite motherhood books?

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp is foundational. Sharon Jaynes’ book Being a Great Mom, Raising Great Kids really challenged me when I was deep in the elementary years. I was so inspired to make the most of time with our kids. Vicki Courtney’s 5 Conversations books for boys and for girls gave me direction as JoHanna and Jacob were growing, especially since I never had a brother. I needed the wisdom from those authors!

One thing I’ve learned as a mom is that I should never stop learning, so I’m always excited to find a new book or resource to make me a better mom. If I ever think I’ve got all the bases covered, something changes and I’m sent to my knees, searching for wisdom!

Your website is called Come have a Peace. How do you find peace as a mother?

I’m convinced God means for us to live out our days experiencing His peace in the practical, real life, relational stuff of our days. For a mom, it seems impossible sometimes, but we aren’t meant to stay in heavy, discouraged places on our mothering journey. We’re meant to find peace, and Jesus said we find it in Him, (John 16:33). Mamas need that message all day, every day, and often through the night.

God has used major transitions, distance from family, and multiple crises in our lives to show me my “peaceful mom’s heart” does not depend on my circumstances. I’ve become a “pray all day” kinda mom who cries out often and openly to the only perfect Parent we know, God Himself. I’ve learned to give myself a lot of grace and let myself off the hook of expecting perfection, refusing to compare myself to moms around me. (Remind me of that, will you?) And I give our kids a lot of grace, trying to keep the “big picture” in mind as God unfolds His plans for them. He’s doing a great job with them!

The greatest complement I receive is when our kids have friends over and they say, “Your house is so … peaceful.”  Love that!

What was most difficult for you during the “young years?”  How did you grow as a mother?

When I delivered our first baby, it was quite a finale to our pregnancy! Nothing happened the way we anticipated. I was left with fear and disappointment, and it took a long time for me to feel whole again. Feeling fragile was not only hard, it wasn’t what I expected.

I always wanted to have children, but I also loved being a teacher. Making a transition to spending the day with the baby at home was not as easy as I thought it would be, and before long I found myself overcommitted and worn out. I was challenged to take a close look at where I found my identity and where I placed my trust. Motherhood turned out to be as much about growing me as growing our children.

It seems like women in their early twenties are discouraged to become a mother so young. What type of encouragement do you have for young couples ready to become parents?

No one is every fully prepared to be a mom, but giving yourself a chance to grow and mature in wisdom helps you be the best mom you can be and want to be. God is able to do extraordinary things with moms who start as ordinary women. If you wait until you’re perfect and have a well-padded portfolio and house with a fence, you might wait a long time.

A wise mentor once encouraged me not to rush through the sweet years of just being a couple. Strengthen your oneness during your pre-child season, and you’ll be better parents when the time comes. As you enter parenthood, you’ll find that it’s a lot about growing yourselves while growing your family.

I’m thankful my mentor slowed us down; God’s timing is unique for everyone. Seek Him together. The most important part of the decision about when to start a family is unity between the mom and dad-to-be. It’s never worth it for one anxious spouse to push the other forward. Your hearts must be longing and expectant together.

Will you be overwhelmed if you start young? Every mom is overwhelmed at times, regardless of age, but God will be there to Father you lovingly into an experience more amazing than you ever imagined. He has a tender place in His heart for moms, and He knows all you hope and all you anticipate, (Isaiah 40:11). He is the one who has grown your mama’s heart to be so EXPECTANT.

Stop by the EXPECTANT page to find out more and to purchase your copy for $4.99 on Kindle or for use on the Kindle App.

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May 13, 2013
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Mother’s Day: Happy or Hurting

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“I hate Mother’s Day!” said my dear friend who is longing for a baby. “You know that women struggling with infertility don’t go to church on Mother’s Day.” Kris agrees, “I was that mom-in-waiting for 16 years; I stayed away from baby showers, church, and friends who would get pregnant. I didn’t stop praying, but it WAS the worse pain.” Lisa concurs, “I am guilty of having skipped church a few years before we adopted my son.”

In my book, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey, my own daughter wrote about her painful Mother’s Day experience:

Dear God,

It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t know if I can handle seeing all those happy moms at church and brunch. I’m trying to focus on my mom and not think about how I’m missing out on being a mommy on yet another Mother’s Day. This year is especially hard since we’ve been trying to be parents for so long and so hard, only to be repeatedly disappointed. At the store looking for a card for my mom, I see the cute cards at the end of the aisle “To Mommy”…oh God, I wish I were someone’s mommy! I look away and continue focusing at the task ahead, getting my mom and mothers-in-law their cards.

Today’s the day, it’s Mother’s Day. I don’t think I can bear it. It’s just begun and already I want this day over. I pull myself out of bed and get ready for church. I’m not looking forward to the sermon about children being a blessing and honoring mothers. God, help me focus on my mom.

We met my parents at church and I put on my happy face, when inside I was crying watching all the mothers with big smiles dressed in pretty spring dresses and children running all around. This was a day of celebration and I just wanted to go back to bed. The pastor started the message with asking all the mothers to stand up. Hundreds of women stood and everyone applauded. I couldn’t take it any longer and sat slouched over in my seat quietly crying. Toby put his arm around me and my mom held my hand, but nothing took away the pain. I barely heard the rest of the message.

After brunch, I came home, collapsed on my bed, and cried myself to sleep where I remained the rest of the day. God, please don’t make me go through another Mother’s Day with this hole in my heart. I want to stand up in church with all those other mothers beaming from ear to ear and have everyone applaud me. God, please let me stand up next year.

Mother’s Day is especially hard for mommies-in-waiting, but for most of these women, every day is hard. With 1 in 6 couples experiencing infertility, you are, or know, a woman experiencing this heartache. Often we don’t know what to say to them, so we say nothing, or maybe unintentionally say something that makes them feel worse. Kris, who I mentioned in the opening paragraph, says, “We cannot ignore them [women longing for a child]. I know how hard it was for people to talk to me. But I would have loved it if they did.”

In Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, I offer tools to help you know the “Top Fifteen Things Not to Say or Do And To Say or Do to Someone Experiencing Infertility.” This list is also on the Infertility Support page on my website.

When I was writing the book, women often told me that the place they felt the loneliest was the church. That breaks my heart.  Jesus said he came for the sick, and that includes heartsick. The church should be a safe place for the hurting, not a place where they feel shunned or outcast.  How does your church comfort mommies-in-waiting on Mother’s Day and every day?

Mothers of Prodigals

Another group of women who will be hurting on Mother’s Day are the mothers of prodigals. They may not even know where there child is, or know all too well where they are and what they are doing that breaks a mother’s heart and the heart of God. These moms also need comforting, a hug, a reminder that this day is for them too and they are not forgotten or ignored.

I was that hurting mom and in Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter: Hope, Help & Encouragement for Hurting Parents, I tell the story of praying daily that my daughter would find her way back to God, and six years later, she did. This Mother’s Day weekend she and I will be sharing our story at a Mother/Daughter tea. I’ve had a vision of us doing this for many years and prayed expectantly that God would bring my dream to life, and He has.

And Kim who was that heartsick mommy-in-waiting on Mother’s Day is now blessed with a family, but when we speak to the women God brings to this Mother’s Day Tea, neither of us will ever forget what it felt like to be hurting on Mother’s Day. We will speak with caring and compassion a comforting message of hope in God’s plan and timing. We won’t ignore these women, we will love on them!

I hope that you will do the same for the mommies-in-waiting, the moms of prodigals, or the moms who have lost a daughter or a son who may need a shoulder to cry on . . . a prayer . . . an understanding hug. If you’ve been where they’re at, mentor them like only someone who has been in their shoes can. If you haven’t been in their shoes, just let them know you can’t possibly understand, but you’re there for them and God is too!

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”—1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

NOTE: Besides not knowing what to say, many of us don’t know what to give a mommy-in-waiting or a mom of a prodigal, and so we usually give them nothing. The books I have written for these women are full of hope and encouragement from the voices of other women who have walked the same journey, as well as from God’s Love Letter.  So for the month of May I’m running a sale on my website for Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? and Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter. Another helpful book might be Face-to-Face with Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah: Pleading with God. I will sign and personalize each book.

May 6, 2013
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40 Years of Love!

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“I’m sorry, but you’ll never have children.” Those were the doctor’s words to me at a post-op visit after surgery for a ruptured ovarian cyst. “Your ovaries look like those of a 90 year-old woman.” I was a twenty year-old, newly engaged college student. My life was over. Or so I thought.

After three years of marriage, I was thrilled to hear another doctor congratulate me: “You’re pregnant!” My mother called it a miracle, but I just wanted to be like any normal woman who could get pregnant and have a baby.

The last week of pregnancy, when my baby was a week overdue, everyone kept calling to see if I was “still home.” I enjoyed every moment of those 9 months and one week, and even steeled myself through a natural, long delivery, but nothing could prepare me for what it would feel like to hold my baby girl—instant, unconditional love.

I was a mom at last! But I had no concept of the life-changing responsibility I was undertaking or the importance of my being an exemplary role model for her. After all, she was just an infant and I would have so many years to work out all the details of mothering.

Where did those years go? This week, February 26, my baby girl, Kimberly Michele, turns 40 and she is a mother herself of three precious children. I remember the day I turned 40 and it doesn’t seem that long ago.

Kim and I didn’t have the life journey I anticipated upon first looking into her dark brown eyes. When she was only 2 years-old, her dad and I divorced, and I would spend the next seventeen years as a single mom juggling motherhood and a career. To the outside world, I did a great job as I moved up the career ladder of success; but as I moved further into the world and father away from the Jesus I asked into my heart at eleven, I role modeled the world’s ways to Kim.

Kim loved our life and all that I was able to provide her, even though she often cried that she missed me, as I headed off on another business trip. But we had time, right? She was still young and eighteen years is a long time…. I’ll make up to her the time we’ve been apart.

But in a blink of an eye, she was sixteen and dating. Then within moments, she was nineteen and declaring she was going off to college to live with her boyfriend, and she didn’t care what I had to say about it. I had recently rededicated my life to the Lord and was now trying to tell her this lifestyle was wrong, but she wasn’t buying it.

I mistakenly thought that when I changed my life and returned to God, she would follow right behind me. Wrong! That’s when the Lord assured me that, yes, I had let the first nineteen years of her life slip by without including Him in the parenting, but it wasn’t over yet. And so I began praying—daily, biblically, expectantly, persistently, sacrificially, unceasingly, and thankfully—as I describe in the first seven chapters of my book Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter.

I’d like to say that she instantly changed her ways, but it would be another six years of daily praying before she returned to me and to the Lord.

The Lord graciously restored the years the locust had eaten. I had the opportunity to do what I should have done from the day she was born: mentor her in how to be a godly woman. Today, I am so proud of the woman she has become. We’re now speaking together as “Two About His Work,” and she’s giving her testimony in a few weeks at her MOPS group.

Even through the difficult years, my love for Kim never faltered. She knew I didn’t condone her behavior, but neither did I condemn her. Our relationship has endured and grown stronger in spite of divorce, single parenthood, a traveling mom, both our prodigal years, my remarriage and blending a new family, my breast cancer, her infertility, and all the trials and joys of life.

I thought I would feel terribly old the day she turned 40; but instead, I feel blessed with the 40 years God has given me to love my precious daughter, and I’m grateful that the work He has done in my life will carry on through the work He is doing in her life. She’s my legacy, and I have given her the most valuable of inheritances: belief in Jesus Christ. 40 years is nothing in light of spending eternity together.

Mentoring Words to Moms:

  • Are you the woman today you want your daughter to become?  You’re the closest role model and mentor your daughter has.
  • It’s never too early to pray daily for your children. Pray for them before you have a problem.
  • Praying personalized Scripture—God’s Word back to Him—keeps you praying God’s will and not your own.
  • Enjoy every day of your children’s lives—they never get younger and neither to do you. Make each day count.

Janet-and-Kim

My daughter Kim and I speak together as Two About His Work.

February 25, 2013
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An Interview to Read

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An interview posted today on a blog of the mother of one of the mommies-in-waiting who shares her story in Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? 

 Praise God they are now a grandma and mommy but not without a struggle.

Read more at http://wordsalt.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/interview-with-author-janet-thompson/

April 30, 2012
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